The thing is, I’m not happy with him. I don’t even know if I have feelings for him. Unless you count sadness...

But I can’t leave him. Two years, plus three of friendship, and he’s become a part of me. I can’t imagine living without him. I’m in too deep now and it’ll rip me apart and change my whole life.

And then what? I could never find love again. I couldn’t put myself through it. If I could ever feel for someone the way I did for him, which is unlikely as he’s the only one I’ve ever loved, it just wouldn’t be worth the journey again. It’s so difficult... trying to talk and establish a friendship first to see whether I like them and then the effort trying to get to the point where I can be serious with them... it takes a very long time and a lot of effort. For what? Just to see it all fail again? I just can not withstand that again. Not at my health.

I am already here in serious-land with him. I know I can’t give up just yet... All this must be for something. I just want so badly to feel true love again. But I won’t go through this again.