Hand picked by my angel💕

Christmas day 2015, left a massive hole in my heart. 2 weeks prior, I had a screaming fight on the phone with my mother, we exchanged nasty words, I told her how much I hated her, and needed a sober mother (im 23 but lets face it, we all need our mamas) and I ended the conversation thinking I had won.

Christmas morning, I woke up, did my normal christmas day with my family, everyone except her. Around dinner time, as I was eating delicious turkey, surrounded by love and laughter, I could feel this deep dark pain in my soul, and my happiness went away. Some of my family even noticed the sudden change in my mood. I figured it was because I felt guilty, knowing she would be spending her favourite day in her little bedroom she lived in.

4 hours after dinner, I was crawling into bed, when there was a knock at my door. It was midnight, I knew right then, one of my family members didnt make it home from our dinner. It was my dad at the door, he wasnt crying, but looked stressed. I begged him to just tell me at the door but he said we needed to go sit.

I walked up my 10 steps which seemed to be an endless set going no where. We sat down, and he said “theres no way to tell you this, so im just gonna tell you, your mom took her life around dinner time”

I dont think ive ever screamed and cried so much in my life. Im surprised no one called the police. My heart filled with the worst pain ive ever known, my body felt like it was empty, that everything ive ever known, or who I was, was pulled out of me. I sat in the same chair, for what seemed like weeks, just staring at the wall, thinking.. my brain never let me forget the last words we exchanged.

I was never supposed to read the death report, because it was graphic. I did anyways, and regret it. For almost a year, I couldn’t walk into a dark room alone, because my brain would automatically turn my grief into “reality”, I kept picturing my mom laying against the wall, in the clothes they described, the way she was laying, the marks on her body, and most of all her laying there thinking of the words that came from her daughters mouth the last time we spoke.

I thought this was something I could never get past, and im right. I will never be 100% okay. I talk outloud to her all the time, told her how hurt and angry I was. She knew how much I actually loved her, she knew how much I loved Christmas, im the type who puts the tree up right after November 11th. I thought all my previous christmas memories were ruined, and thats all id ever have because I wouldn’t let myself celebrate that day..

In February, a medium reached out to me, and told me my mom was going to be playing a huge role in my miracle coming. A few weeks later, we drove 60 hours from Canada to the US, to our new home, just me and my soon to be hubs. Along the way, we were driving and our truck tire fell off, if we hadn’t slowed down when we realized before it came off, I honestly don’t think I’d be able to write this right now.

I thought that was my miracle, I thanked my mom over and over.

In april, I found out I was pregnant. And my due date is December 30th, 2018. Thats 5 days after she gained her wings, and surprisingly enough, December 30th, would be my moms 53rd birthday.

I couldn’t ask for a better due date, not only is my christmas fixed, and december will be able to be my favourite month again, but I got that same feeling deep in my soul, this is my mom telling me she is so sorry, and she loves me.

One day, when I part this earth, and you’re there waiting for me, we will exchange the most loving words, because I now can live my life knowing we’re okay.

Thank you for picking my baby for me, they will know all about their grandma in heaven.

Love your dolly 💕