Needing some help

I didn’t really quite know which topic to post this in, but since a situation that happened has driven me into a depressive episode, I felt like this was best.

For quite a few months now, I’ve been struggling with my self-image. I’ve been lacking confidence, which also causes me to lack sexual confidence. So when my bf and I have sex, I don’t really initiate anything or do anything during sex like I used to. I don’t have as much fun as I used to because I’m overly worried about my body or not being good enough or pretty enough.

So the other night, I brought this up to my bf. It was going okay-ish at first, I didn’t really feel better when we were talking since he didn’t have a whole bunch of an input and I felt like I was left hanging, which led to me getting upset. It just kept building, he said something that kind of drew the line and made me feel extremely insecure and incapable of fulfilling him. I said “Thanks for letting me go to sleep feeling shitty”(I know, wrong choice of words. I knew better, I was just very depressed and my emotions were high at this point). So he flailed out of bed and started going off on how I’m just a limp fish and boring and it’d turn him on if I’d stop laying around while he does all the work, instead of sitting back like a pillow princess. More was said, but I was so numbed when he started saying these things that I don’t remember everything. I literally felt a stabbing pain in my chest.

Anyway, things finally calmed down that night, but that situation has had a terrible lingering affect on me. I think it triggered me back into another depressive episode. I feel more insecure about everything more than ever, I can’t manage a single positive thought, I don’t find any excitement in anything, nothing comforts me or brings me peace, the only thing I’m focused on is trying to survive each day. I cut my wrists a few days ago, which is a low point I haven’t gotten to in a few years.

My bf has been kind of helping. He swears to change his anger so he won’t have outbursts anymore, but I still don’t feel any emotional support. He doesn’t really try talking to me about anything. Things were going extremely well for several months. We were doing well with communication, we were handling our problems efficiently and overall, just generally a healthy and ideal relationship. I felt totally secure about us and I was happy. I was still struggling with my body image and stuff, but I was slowly feeling better about myself. But after what he said the other night, it has shattered all of that. I can tell he wants to try and make things better, I think.

I’m just trying to figure out what to do for myself because I don’t like feeling this depressed and thinking suicidal thoughts.

So I guess I’m here for advice for myself, and on his behalf.