Sec with husband feels rape.

My husband has put me through a lot our entire marriage but about 2 years ago my marriage imploded. I’m not in love with him anymore. I hate have sex with him. I hate any kind of intimacy with him. I hate when he sticks his tongue in my mouth. I hate oral and vaginal sex. I cry a lot then we do it, sometimes I can hide it. Sometimes I’m able to hold it off until after it’s over. It feels like rape and then for the next few days I can’t stop thinking about it and cringing and I get chills and feel disgusted. Then I’m thinking about how to avoid it next time.

I am working on a plan so that I’m financially dependent and can help support our kids.

Tonight I caught myself making faces like I was grossed out and I think he noticed.

It could just be in my head. But he kept acting like he’s so in love and all lovey dubby.

I think he thinks that I will come back around and fall back in love with him. He’s made some improvements but I don’t trust him and it’s too late.

I think I forgive him but I’m ready to move forward and be single.

Maybe I was hoping he’d notice my face expressions and just stop like he does when I cry. When I cry he stops and doesn’t say anything. A very awkward silence.

I’m just venting now.

Talking about it helps temporarily. I’ve considered all the options. I’ve played out all the probable and possible outcomes.

None of them are good.

I just have to be patient.

I’m a writer.

Pretty soon I should have some kind of income.

Well anyway. Thanks for “listening”.