why do i bother anymore

I'm sick of getting my hopes up that I'll get pregnant. I was 15 days late on my period last month then it came on the 15th day. I seriously started to think it was my month but no. I just can't put myself through anymore heartache. I keep thinking of the first baby I miscarried and I would have had him/her now. I'm so hurt and my SO doesn't understand why I get so angry and upset with myself. Im waiting for my appointments with the fertility clinic is months away. I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm starting to think that this is life's way of telling me I'm never going to be a mother to my own child 😫😢