Can’t walk away

Oct 28, 2017 I called the cops on my husband for taking my phone and pulling a gun threatening to shot it . He was screaming in my face calling me names and I was holding our 15 month old baby . He was arrested. I left . There’s an OOP for me and my baby . I didn’t talk to him for almost 7 months, I screwed up and called him a month ago . Now he wants me back , wants to go to counseling and work things out . He’s an alcoholic and verbally abusive . I love him but I know I can’t go back . It’s so hard . Help . I know I have to walk away but it’s hard and it hurts .