I don't know who I am anymore 🙁

I told my boy best friend I was going to be wild this summer and he took that as me being a hoe.

I told him everything I’ve been through with my relationships and being sexual, and he doesn’t really approve of any of it. When I was 10 my ex-best friend’s brother touched me and it went on for months (by the way we’re neighbors),

it stopped but when I was 14 it continued. There’s a 4-year age gap between me and him. that went on and off for months until I decided that he was using me. I distanced myself away from him. blocking him on social media etc. He texted me on social media using different accounts saying things like “ i’m sorry , can we be friends again.” “I never meant to hurt you”

I gave in and in a couple weeks later we did things I would never think of doing with him again. my old feelings came back for him and I wanted things to happen again . but that story ended short. My mom found out the stuff that happened when I was young literally two days after I did stuff with him and my whole life turned around. I felt depressed and wanted to die . I was scared for myself but scared for him as well . My parents wanted to press charges but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to explain everything that happened. So they didn’t.

So now, 1 month later after everything happened it’s worse. I have a friend with benefits relationship and I think I might have sex with him (he’s 16). We want to take it farther because we care for each other and he makes me happy. (My friend thinks I’m a hoe because I did things with him and we haven’t been talking for a long time and I did stuff with that other guy .)

But I still think about he used me the whole time in a good way , and I don’t know why. I want to do things with him, and I feel like I miss him . I think about things that happened between us in the past , and I’m honestly hurting so bad now . At this point if he texted me wanting to do some freaky stuff I would do it.

I’m 14 right now , and I feel bad about the person I’m becoming.

I can’t tell my mom how I feel , I can’t really tell anybody right now. I don’t know what to

do right now.

I feel like I’m going down a bad path.

Any advice on what to do ?

(Posted this different places)