How can I get myself to stop feeling like I owe people an explanation for things in my life?

For a long while now, I’ve fluctuated between being talkative and being closed off, but I’ve always seemed to maintain a sense of non-commitment and distance to basically everything, I don’t travel a lot or visit people a lot, the reason for this is because I’ve struggled with anxiety issues quite badly for many years, and now whenever I talk to my friends, I just feel guilty and as though I owe an explanation for so many things. (They have gotten upset and questioned me in the past) but I just don’t even know where to start...

I also feel like I don’t know who I am/was, or how i used to be when we talk now. We all live in different places, so we don’t hang out much anymore, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling of guilt and uncertainty. Part of me always wants to just let everything out, but another part of me thinks.. what if I’ll just wind up making a big thing out of something that needs to just go away? ... and, what if this is all in my head more than actually real life? Because I genuinely can’t tell anymore. But I always feel so guilty and like a failure as a friend and person in general, when we talk, and I feel like I don’t even know what to say to them anymore. I mostly just talk about THEIR lives, I don’t know how to open up and just be regular and have a regular friendship anymore. I don’t know what they want to hear about me...

It wears me down, which causes me to shut down and be even more closed off, which then feeds the guilt/failure status/etc and the negative circle continues.

I have tried to open up a bit about my anxiety in the past, but they didn’t seem to *get* it, I didnt feel like I was taken seriously, or really given the support that I needed. I felt like they took it as an excuse, or just kind of overall expected me to be fine regardless.

How can I get past this? What should I do?