Milk is drying up

I recorded to stop pumping last week. Hand expressed just to see what was left and hardly getting anything. I know I made the choice to stop but I still feel like crying. I just stress so much about the germs on if it’s not cleaned enough and it’s literally makes my anxiety bad. I have a preemie and everyone mokes me for trying to make sure every single thing is clean. I want to pump again because I’m regretting it. But at the same time it gives me more time in the day to get everything done that I need to do. I just don’t know. I don’t feel ready because I’m a way it feels like I’m still holding on to my pregnancy I guess. I don’t know. Sounds strange I guess. But it made me think back to the night she was born and I went to see her in the nicu and started pumping right after like a mad women. I’m sorry, just needed to vent