I’ve struggled for quite sometime with my weight. Back in 2011 I was overweight and hated how I looked. I wasn’t healthy and curves were nonexistent. I was so unhappy with myself.

In 2012 I decided to start losing weight and lost quite a bit just from cutting out soda and eating smaller portions of what I usually ate (in 2011 I could eat a whole pizza by myself and by the end of 2012 I could stomach 4 pieces at a time).

Before the end of 2012 I got my first boyfriend (late bloomer on that end). He was nice enough, I knew him from classes and other friends. I never gained any “happy weight” with him. We hardly ever went out, he just came over to my house.

When we first started dating I was pretty happy with how I looked. I went from 180lbs to 140lbs. It was great. I felt great. My acne started clearing up because I was drinking more water and not eating as many greasy foods.

However, our relationship took a turn for the worst. Towards the end, he was verbally abusing me, physically assaulted me twice, and sexually assaulted me (not rape) quite a few times. I had never felt depressed before, but all of that made me feel like there was no way out. We would be together one day and he next we would break up. Then the next day he would say he missed me and wanted to start over and it was a vicious cycle.

One day he would call me beautiful and the next he would say I needed a bigger butt, bigger boobs, AND to lose weight. I would just stay in my room and cry and not eat. I would drink a little water, but not much. Food? If I ate an actual meal and not just a snack, I would puke it up. And to this day I can’t figure out if it was because I was scared to gain weight or just because my body couldn’t process eating more than a single serve bag of popcorn and a small bowl of ice cream every day.

Now, remember, 140 was pretty normal for my age and height (I was 5’6” at the time). By the end of our final break up in October 2014 I was 110lbs. That’s the lowest I got to. I was considered anorexic. And guess what, I still felt awful about my weight because of how thin I was. My face was sunken in. I lost my period for two months. I slept ALL the time.

Slowly, I started to regain some weight. By the end of 2015 I was 130. I was back to a normal weight, but barely. Then I met my current boyfriend in December 2015. We started dating in January 2016 and it’s been great.

With him, I gained 10lbs in “happy weight” and he gained as well. We ate out a lot but we also went on hikes and kayaking too, so it mostly evened out.

Then in June 2017 I started a type of birth control pill. For three months I was so sick I couldn’t eat but very small portions. It was almost like a three month stomach virus.

Then, once that passed it felt as though my body had been starved and I started eating much more than I had in years. I had terrible cravings and couldn’t control myself. I would be up at 2am eating a full bag of popcorn and cookies.

I went from 140-160. And it showed. I couldn’t fit into my clothes anymore. Nothing fit right. I had new stretch marks. I felt disgusting.

Because of period related reasons, my gynecologist switched me to a different pill in March 2018. She said I could take a 2 week break from the pills, so I did. In those 2 weeks I lost 10lbs, so that puts me at 150. Then I started this new type that I’m still currently on and I’ve gone from 150-175 since March.

Cravings are awful! I can’t ever feel full. I’m back full circle to 2011 me, except I gained weight in different places so I still have curves. I’ve tried going to the gym. But it’s not helping because I can’t seem to control my cravings.

It makes me hate myself. I was happy at 140. I was healthy. I’m not anymore. And it’s because of a little hormonal pill.

I’m switching birth control types in August. Can anyone please suggest something that didn’t make them gain a lot of weight? I’m desperate. I don’t feel happy anymore with myself.

Thank you all for reading. It’s been quite a journey in the past 7 years. And it’s still ongoing.