bikini confidence

I have very strict parents when it comes to what I can wear(I'm almost 15). during the winter I will as looking at new swimsuits bc I knew I needed a new one this year. I asked my mother if I could wear a high waisted bikini and she said only if I lost weight before the summer. I was so dedicated to loosing that weight s I could buy the bikini I wanted, I did yoga everyday to help me lose weight, but I never did.

After thinking about how disappointed I was that I couldn't buy the bikini I wanted I realized what my mom actually did to me.

I have been so self conscious my whole life bc since I was a little child, I was constantly told i as fat and that I needed to lose weight. it is so inprinted in my mind that I need to lose weight I constantly find myself calorie counting etc. I don't know how to gain the confidence to wear a lot of things now and I can't really ask my mom to see a therapist. please help me