Exhausted and heart broken

I keep wanting to talk to someone, a friend or maybe a post on here, I don’t know. And every time I try and bring it up or start typing I just stop. It’s exhausting trying to stay calm and not get my hopes up, and it takes so much energy to try to explain all of the overwhelming feelings I have of wanting a child and not having one. I get it, be patient, no worries, everything will be okay, but knowing all of that doesn’t keep me from crying myself to sleep at night because I want something I can’t have. Every time it fails I just feel a piece of my heart break and I’m worried about how much more I can take. All I want is to see my husband hold our child, to see him tucking them in at night and reading bedtime stories and helping with homework. I want to see my mom and dad be grandparents. I want to decorate our Christmas tree and decorate Easter eggs. I want a family. And the constant ache I feel in my chest makes me wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy again. I’m afraid that if I open up about my pain it’ll all come crashing down and I’ll be more broken than I am now.

And yeah, there’s hope. I’ll always have hope. And maybe that’s the worst part of this, that no matter how devastating the news is I will still hope for the best. And pray that a child is in Gods plan for me.