Asexual? Unhealthy relationship with sex? Something else?

This might be a bit long, I apologize but I just needed to vent a bit since it’s on my mind.

I was 15 when I had my first sexual experience with another person. It was with another girl. We dated for about a year and had sex regularly. I enjoyed the sex and enjoyed the relationship. We ended things as friends and still are close to this day.

After the first relationship, I was unsure of what I wanted. At 17, I met a boy at a party and started thinking that maybe I was bi/pansexual. I didn’t want to have sex with the boy. I met him at his house one day and one thing lead to another and he started to attempt to have sex with me. I wasn’t aroused or interested, so it only lasted about 30 seconds before I left and just went home.

I talked to a few girls in between then and college, but nothing really came of it.

I got to college and had two “hookups” during my freshman year. The first, neither of us even took our clothes off, and the second was like the boy I met when I was 17. I was not attracted to this boy. We had met on tinder and he looked drastically different on tinder than he did in real life. I did not want to have sex with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop it from happening.

My sophomore and junior years of college I texted/snapchatted a few people but never met any of them in person.

Last week, I hung out with a boy who I had been talking to for about a month over text/Snapchat. The second time we hung out, I got a little wine drunk and we wound up having sex. I didn’t originally want to have sex with him, but I really liked him and wanted to be more open to casual relationships. The sex wasn’t great for me. It hurt and I didn’t climax.

I guess I would consider this to be the first time I’ve had genuine, consensual penetrative sex. But I regret it. I wanted to wait until I was in a committed relationship to have sex with someone when it was meaningful. I don’t think the boy sees me as anything more than a hookup. I don’t want to hook up, but I feel like that’s all anyone in college does. And now I’m not even sure that I’ll enjoy having sex when I am in a committed relationship. I feel like all of my sexual encounters with men have been kind of horrible. I remember how much I was attracted to girls when I was in high school, but for some reason I just can’t picture myself marrying a woman. I find girls attractive, but I’m not actively seeking to date them like I am men.

So what the hell is wrong with me? I don’t think that I’m asexual because I have enjoyed sex before, and enjoy masturbation. But why do I keep having these unhealthy sexual experiences? And is it even possible to find a guy my age who is interested in more than just one time/casual hookups?

Glow Resources

Let’s Glow

Glow is here for you on your path to pregnancy

Glow helps you navigate your fertility journey with smart tools, personalized insights, and guidance from medical experts who understand what matters most.

25+ million

Users

4.8 stars

200k+ app ratings

20+

Medical advisors