This might be a bit long, I apologize but I just needed to vent a bit since it’s on my mind.

I was 15 when I had my first sexual experience with another person. It was with another girl. We dated for about a year and had sex regularly. I enjoyed the sex and enjoyed the relationship. We ended things as friends and still are close to this day.

After the first relationship, I was unsure of what I wanted. At 17, I met a boy at a party and started thinking that maybe I was bi/pansexual. I didn’t want to have sex with the boy. I met him at his house one day and one thing lead to another and he started to attempt to have sex with me. I wasn’t aroused or interested, so it only lasted about 30 seconds before I left and just went home.

I talked to a few girls in between then and college, but nothing really came of it.

I got to college and had two “hookups” during my freshman year. The first, neither of us even took our clothes off, and the second was like the boy I met when I was 17. I was not attracted to this boy. We had met on tinder and he looked drastically different on tinder than he did in real life. I did not want to have sex with him, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop it from happening.

My sophomore and junior years of college I texted/snapchatted a few people but never met any of them in person.

Last week, I hung out with a boy who I had been talking to for about a month over text/Snapchat. The second time we hung out, I got a little wine drunk and we wound up having sex. I didn’t originally want to have sex with him, but I really liked him and wanted to be more open to casual relationships. The sex wasn’t great for me. It hurt and I didn’t climax.

I guess I would consider this to be the first time I’ve had genuine, consensual penetrative sex. But I regret it. I wanted to wait until I was in a committed relationship to have sex with someone when it was meaningful. I don’t think the boy sees me as anything more than a hookup. I don’t want to hook up, but I feel like that’s all anyone in college does. And now I’m not even sure that I’ll enjoy having sex when I am in a committed relationship. I feel like all of my sexual encounters with men have been kind of horrible. I remember how much I was attracted to girls when I was in high school, but for some reason I just can’t picture myself marrying a woman. I find girls attractive, but I’m not actively seeking to date them like I am men.

So what the hell is wrong with me? I don’t think that I’m asexual because I have enjoyed sex before, and enjoy masturbation. But why do I keep having these unhealthy sexual experiences? And is it even possible to find a guy my age who is interested in more than just one time/casual hookups?