Okay. Please forgive me if you hardly understand my grammar. I’m suck at it but I’m try my best.

Ever since I was young I don’t even want to have child by planning at all. Not expecting, sure. The point I was w a guy for a year. We did wanted to have child till we split off. He decided to not wanted to have a child. So do I BUT I don’t mind to have a child w him if accidentally but not anyone. Anyway.. a year later he found out he have a baby son from other mother before he dated with me. I was completely miserable and lost. I don’t know how to feel. So damn numb. Few months later I start let it go but I don’t know why it continues bothering me that I want to have kid w him? But I don’t even want talk with him about it because he said he definitely don’t want to have other child at all. One is enough for him. Till today.. he told me that he had mix feeling that he want to have other child to raise because he never have chance to watch his own son growing and he haven’t met him yet. His baby son is two years old, soon to be two. He missed so much and he want to have other child so he able to raise on his own way. He don’t want to have a family like marriage blah blah blah. He don’t want to ha e a relationship at all. I’m his last. But to have sex, he will have sex w other so do I. But the really point is, I’m really confused because I don’t want to have a child but I would love to have a child by him but don’t want to make a plan to have a child. I want it happen as unexpectedly. The reason why he would have a child by other woman it’s because I don’t want to have a child but actually I want to have a kid w him but not anyone, again not make a plan to have a kid. I’m CONFUSED!!! Help me better.

To be clarified, we live together for two years now. One year being together and one year of being split off and still live together. We still sleep together. We still do the things ever since the beginning we were together. We believe that relationship is not mean to be on this earth. We love everyone, not on same person for whole the life. Okay.. I have depression and migraine. My emotions gone up and down. I’m confused. I don’t know what I’m really want. I still love him but not in the relationship “fantasy”. I look him as my close best friend. I want talk to him about it but I don’t know what I will saying.. I’m afraid I will cause this into to fighting because I’m always bring it up. He trying to understand me and want to know what really I want. He knows that I definitely don’t want to have kid right after we split off but I do want to have a kid w him, not anyone but I haven’t tell him that...