Am i weird? Or gross?

Ive been with my bf for almost 6 years but i am bisexual and we used to watch porn to help satisfy me but tbh i hate porn. I feel like its totally meant for men and trying to find a good video with an attractive girl is like trying to find something to watch on netflix 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄 i feel like fake things dont turn me on and i really want an actual girl who i find attractive to send me nudes or snapchats of her doing things to herself. Ive never actually gotten to experiment with women the way i wanted to because i grew up in a very strict religious household and i still have really only told my bf that i like girls. Im embarrassed and ashamed and have no clue how to ask for nudes from real girls. I dont want a relationship with them or to talk at all tbh. Not even a “hey how you doing.” I literally just want nudes from a real person. I love my bf and my relationship is with him, but i want to look at girls and do things with girls. Just without having a relationship with them.