I’m not sure where to post this because I’m sure it could fall under multiple categories, so I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place. A little back story is I’m currently 20, almost 21, i suffer from chronic pain along with having Bipolar 1 & borderline personality disorder. Overall I’m usually pretty calm, but I have my triggers that set me off and it isn’t pretty. I always manage to calm myself back down, but that’s not the point.

I’m honestly so scared that no man would ever want to be with me more than physically... I’m in love with this guy & he knows I have all this stuff also. We talked for about a year & then we had a BAD falling out but upon that to get my closure I opened up completely to him. I told him how he hurt me & I had apologized for the way things had ended, but not only that, my friend at the time told me to tell him how I felt about him for complete closure. So I did. That was back at the end of February. We actually started talking again back in June, he followed me on insta and liked 2 of my pictures, so naturally I asked him what was up lol. We’ve hung out a bit & we also talk every day. I never lost feelings for him but I’m also not trying to open up and fall again this time because it hurt so bad last time when I lost him.

I get so embarrassed every time I freak out over something so stupid that triggers me, I hate that I do it but when that happens I’m literally not thinking straight. He just lets me freak out and then we change the subject... but I feel so bad about it, he didn’t sign up for all that and I feel so bad that he deals with it. I don’t know if it’s a good sign that he puts up will all that and knows I love him and he still sticks around, but I just hate the way I am.

I’m on medicine & I see all my doctors, i just don’t want to keep feeling like I’m making a fool out of myself. I want to feel that maybe one day I will have that happily ever after but all I feel is that no one would actually want to put up with all of this... and it hurts me to think about 😓