Mostly just to get it off my chest...

I apologise if this is hard to follow, I'm shaking writing this...

Personally... I have trouble initiating any sort of sexual conduct with my fiance. To be wholely honest, this is due to my first "sexual" experience. So winding back to the summer I'd just turned 16. In highschool I dated a girl who was a friend, neither of our moms knew we were a thing, so her mom requested I just stay over at the 4H fair with them since my gf at the time was a competitor and her mom was too stingey with gas to take me home. So I called my mom whom was suspicious of me since freshman year due to other issues and she very reluctantly agreed to let me stay. Originally me and the girl had planned to sleep in her mom's van that night away from everyone, but her cousin decided to be a brat and change sleeping arrangements last minute, forcing us into the camper with her mom and aunt. (Now I'm not saying this is anyone's fault but my own, but honestly it destroyed my sexual confidence.) So that night... We were laying in bed together while her mom and aunt were in the back of the camper sleeping... Being the stupid kid I was I started messing around and she encouraged me to keep going, note I wasn't actually being touched, I was doing everything but it was mutual and we were both 16 and thus legal, no that doesn't make what we did right. We stopped messing around when I started to actually doze off and went to bed. In the middle of the night though, her mom stormed through turning on all the lights and telling me to step outside with her aggressively. We had no idea what she was so angry about as we'd not made any noise beforehand. So she took me outside to her van after making the cousin go to the camper and started chewing me out about her daughter and what we had done. So I attempted to defend myself stating it was completely mutual between the two of us, so she went in briefly to the camper and screamed at her daughter. When she came back out to the van she had my belongings and told me to call my mother and tell her she was bringing me home. I was utterly terrified of my mother anyway, but this night only made it worse. When she got to my house, instead of leaving me to explain myself to my mother she stormed in and got in my mother's face accusing me off rape while I showered to try and calm down. To add to my horror, my brother and his long time gf were in the guest room that night. I heard every accusation and my mother stood her ground firmly defending me and warning to have the woman removed from the property by force if she didn't leave. After she eventually left I was literally in a ball on my bedroom floor balling in fear and trauma. I was only sixteen and had been accused of rape by my gfs mother and I was petrified to talk to my own mother. Eventually my mom coaxed me into the living room very calmly to get my terrified side of the story and I blurted it all out as best I could, explaining I wasn't touched and that it was mutual. Needless to say, this whole experience really fucked me up. No actual charges came of it, but my gf didn't defend us or me, and I guess I never really recovered from it. To this day five years later, I still can't bring myself to initiate anything intimate with my husband to be even though it's got nothing to do with him... And I'm so terrified to actually tell him.. so when I'm done here I'll let him read this since I can't bring myself to choke it out verbally.

Final note... I'm crying as I look back on this trauma and admit it destroyed me...