Angel in Heaven. 👼🏼

Now this is probably going to sound crazy to some of y’all but please try to understand. First off let’s start with how I ended. I’m 18. I’ll be 19 in October. I’m graduated from high school ( one of the top in my class) 😜 and abated my CNA’s while in high school. I enlisted in the military right after my 18th Birthday and I leave in 20 days for Navy Bootcamp. Now here’s where the judging might begin.

When I was 13 I meet and fell in love with a 15 year old. He was my first everything from kiss to father of my unborn child. I won’t use his name outta respect. Peter I’ll call him is a good man. He’s now 21 and me 18. We are now next door neighbors and have no contact at all. Now back to the past. When Peter and I were together for one year August 14,14 he came up to visit me. I lived three hours from him He lived in my home town. My mother found out summer of 2013 I lost my virginity too him and she was irate. Which being older now I see why. I was so young I should have waited; however, with that being said I would go back and do it again. She had forbidden me to have sex with him again until I was older which the adolescent hormonal me didn’t dare listen to. Since I couldn’t talk to my mother about sex or anything we never took precautions. Well April 2014 my mom put me on birth control because of my periods (yes really). She put me on the shot. Let me tell you that was mistake number one! So Peter and I figured not being as cautious as we were would be fine. Nope. June/July of 2014 I got pregnant. I say it this way because my period didn’t stop. When I got on the shot a week later my period started and was all over the place. I started noticing I was gaining weight and getting sick frequently. I asked my friend to get me a test. I took FIVE. All showing up positive within seconds. My periods was still happening. I figured it was just a quirk and when Peter came to see me in August we’d talk about it. Well as the month grew on, I say month because I noticed and tested in July. Anyways as the month grew on I couldn’t eat certain foods and constantly was feeling nauseous. I started getting car sick, running fevers and it was horrible 14 year old me thought I was dying. I tested again at the begging of August right before Peter came to see me the lines were darker and showed up faster. My stomach was bloated and hard so I figured it was telling the truth. I told my mom I didnt want the shot again to avoid her finding out before I could talk to Peter. Peter came to visit me and he was going to stay a week. I was scared. I had just started my freshmen year in high school and he was a drop out. I thought I was going to ruin his life. On the second day of him being there we were riding the four wheeler and I figured that night would be good as any to tell him when everyone was asleep. We weren’t riding crazy but he loved to cat walk the four wheeler with me on the back 😔 if you don’t know what that is it’s where the front tires are in the air. He done it thinking I was holding on and I wasn’t. I was in the process of asking him not to and moving back so I wasn’t pressing my stomach against him since he had already been asking why I was still bloated. When Peter done it this time

I went to fall off the back grabbing him by the shoulders snatching both him and the four wheeler on top of me. I knew something was wrong immediately. I was so upset I just went inside and got a shower. I was in the shower for three hours ( technically two since I sat on the toilet for one) no one questioned this because I was notorious for talking long showers then taking a bath so it was normal. I sat in that bath room passing clots after clots grey, dark red so dark almost black, and fresh red blood. I cried an was too scared and in too much pain to tell anyone what was happening. After an hour I hung onto the counter got into the shower let the warmest water run on me that I could. Once I got where I could hold myself up I sat in the bath letting the water continue to run on me. The bath was light pink at first then with the more I bleed the color enhanced. I don’t remember the water turning cold by that time I was numb. I wanted to scream but I had no voice. I got out of the bath once I stopped passing major clots put on a baggy shirt and lose pants. I put on a night time pad and a ultra tampon which just using one of those at a time was again normal for me and the sever cramps as well.

I went to my room crawled into his arms and cried. The next two weeks I was in tremendous pain but I was still too scared to tell anyone but my friend who got me the test.

No I didn’t have a D&C; no I didn’t ever get to see my child on a ultrasound. But yes I love my angel in heaven as much as if I were able to hold him/her. I say girl just because I always dream about her. Anyways

I know everything happens for a reason and I know how my life probably would have turned out if I didn’t have a miscarriage but I’d do anything to go back and never get on that four wheeler.

I did eventually tell Peter two months later even though a week after my miscarriage he left me. He thought I was lying trying to get him back, I just wanted him to know. He said that if there were any chance that I still was pregnant he hoped I drank myself and the baby to death. We remained on and off until summer of 17 when I finally realized my worth.

I want my family to know so badly;however, they would be greatly disappointed. If any of you have any pointers I’m open ears.

The main point of this post isn’t for attention. I just needed to start somewhere with my story.