We’ve just recently had a baby, about a month and a half ago. ❤️ And I love him more than anything, I’m so overwhelmed with love for him. And for my boyfriend. I’ve never had so much love in my life and I couldn’t ask for more on that front but recently I’ve been so…sad. Everyday I wake up sad. I have no hopes for the day, I know it will be another tired day or sitting in the living room, on our phones. While we’re not busy taking care of a screaming baby of course. Barely eating, barely talking, not leaving the house unless we’re tagging along with his mom for some errands. We do nothing else.

I no longer have any friends. But even if I did, what is there to do? We have a baby to take care of and even with a babysitter, our options are limited. My boyfriend has a few more teenage boy friends you know? And that’s great, he should hang out with them more. I get jealous that he does and I do not but I don’t want to stop him from having a life. He’s young and he should be out having fun. But he never goes.

And we don’t really spend time together anymore. I mean, we do, but not really. We spend time in the same rooms…but I don’t feel the togetherness you know? We cuddle so much less, no more movie nights…we can’t go for late night walks or to the restaurant. We can’t get all dressed up and go out party hunting…we can’t get junk food and cuddle and watch stupid stuff. Now we’re parents…mom and dad…our lives are a job now. That we never get time off of. I don’t feel like boyfriend/girlfriend, lovers, best friends anymore…we’re just mom and dad. And I hate it. I miss going out at night, smoking together, dancing and making out. I miss having sex, the kind that didn’t feel like “mom and dad”. I miss making food and being lazy and enjoying each others company. I miss hanging out with a group of close friends and doing whatever the hell we want.

I love my son more than anything in the world, I don’t ever want to lose him and I don’t regret him at all but I miss my old life. I don’t like this lonely, bland, exhausting, isolating life. I want to be free and have fun and be stupid and in love and young…I’m so sad.

And now we’re getting kicked out of his parents place, my mom is too broke to come see us…we have no friends. It’s going to be a million times lonelier in our apartment. It’ll just be the three of us. I will have to sleep while my boyfriend is awake and he’ll have to sleep while I’m awake. To take turns taking care of our son so we can sleep. Our only real human interaction will be feeding the baby and struggling to make him stop screaming and go to sleep. Our son keeps getting better and more beautiful and amazing with time but everything else gets worse. The sadness, the isolation, the loneliness, the exhaustion, the desperation…

I feel terrible, complaining. Like the worse mom in the world. I know we made the mistakes that led to this, and we need to take responsibility and accept our new lives and that he comes before anything now…and I love him so much and I’m going to live this life and make him the priority and push all this down and power through but I am just so sad. All the time.

I feel like my life is over, this is my son’s life now and I live only for him. Will I ever feel young again? Make friends? Have a good time. Be well rested? Feel that connection with My boyfriend? I just can’t picture it. It’s like I will never have anything else to look forward to than my son’s life. Like I have traded in my own identity for only “mom”.

And I hate myself for feeling this way.

We were too young for this...We should’ve been safer. I do not regret my son one bit but I wish all of this would’ve happened in a few years...I don’t know...

I just don’t know what to do to feel better...I don’t want to be this sad for the rest of my life...