Cuckholding Kink

So cuck holding is essentially when your boyfriend/husband likes to watch you fuck other guys

My boyfriend is heavily into cuckholding and I’m, well, not. He keeps begging and guilting me but I just don’t feel comfy with it, how can I get comfortable with it?

I must admit that he prefers hearing stories about me with other guys that just me, and sometimes it makes me feel he’s not interested in having sex with me. He has wanted this since we first started talking two years ago and will not move past it. I tell him all the time it’s not something I’m really comfortable with doing and he just says that “sex is sex” and it doesn’t mean anything.

I would so be okay if it was more threesome or if he would be physically there, but he wants texts and pics and me meeting and going home with Random guys at the super shady club in town. I have been sexually assaulted before, he knows this, so the idea of being alone with someone I don’t know gives me major panic attacks.

I tried it once the first time I went clubbing this year with some friends. I guy started grinding on me and I took vids and sent it to him. My boyfriend kept telling me how much he loved it and kept telling me to do other things, I stopped it at kissing. I get home at 1, he tells me he’s actually been self harming the whole time and it was all a “test” to see if I loved him. The next day he said he was sorry and the next time he wanted me to do that stuff he told me he wouldn’t react that way again and he really did love it. I just feel so uncomfortable doing it now though so idk what to do

PS I did post something like this in another group