This really hurts!

I catch my self at night holding on to my lower belly..... even thought I know my baby is gone.. I never got to find out if it was a Boy or Girl...... I just remember getting REALLY bad pains and having to go pee.. And there it is ... my baby... a small little pouch about the size of a quarter floating in the water... I felt my soul float out of me!! I was on the ground just looking into the toilet for a while... to be honest.. I was in the floor bleeding and my underwear wasn’t even on... I just fell flat to the floor, looking at that little pouch.. in disbelief... feeling as if part of me was ripped away! My baby .... MY BABY!! My chance to finally be a mom... was taken away!! I stay awake at night wondering how it would feel to have a baby kicking inside me!! BUT, I guess I won’t now!! I want to try for my rainbow baby but, I am so scared.... what if .... WHAT IF IT HAPPENED’S ... when I know there is NOTHING I can do!! 😞 what do I do?