How to move on

When I was 12 I got my first boyfriend. This boy started threatening to rape me and at first I thought he was just being a dick and joking around... he wasn’t. My parents went to the police straight away and I haven’t talk to him since (my horrible sister kept in contact with him).

One month after that I met a really nice guy and was willing to try this boyfriend thing again. So I asked him out. After 5 happy months he started to argue with me about everything then he cheated on me with my sister and made me feel like it was my fault for not being good enough. Once I turned 13 he told me I wasn’t allowed male friends. He started to get angry and aggressive whenever I went to my friends house or had to go to work (because I couldn’t talk to him).

After two years of dating I pretty much lost all my male friends and didn’t really have anything to do with my other ones.

Slowly this aggressive behaviour of his got worse. He started to get physical. When I turned 14 I finally worked up the courage to talk to him about what happened with my ex, he was very understanding. A few weeks after that I was helping him babysit he’s baby brother. He’s brother fell asleep and we went to his room to watch a movie. We started kissing and then he started to take off my shirt. I stopped him and told him I’m not ready or comfortable with that, I want my first time with a guy I love to be special. He told me it didn’t matter since I wasn’t a virgin. Then he pinned me down and rapped me. I ran out of the house and walked to my friends house in tears, until my parents could come get me. I broke up with him the next day but then he brought me gifts and apologised because he loved me.

I was so stupid to believe that but I found out a month later that I was pregnant. So I forgave him. I couldn’t work up the courage to tell my parents so I went to my aunt for advice. 5 weeks after that I got my period (and a strange blood clout) and the doctor said it was a miscarriage.

He cried when I told him and made me feel bad.

When I turned 15 he saw me talking to one of the guys at school (who not to mention is gay!) and he got upset and beat me up in front of a few of my friends and students.

I tried to break up with him but he started to blackmail me so I couldn’t. He’s exact words to me was “These aren’t just empty threats anymore. I’m giving you till 8pm so give me a reason why I shouldn’t show everyone [what he was blackmailing me for] and send it to your parents. Prove you love me or you’ll be sorry”. So one day I was texting him and my phone died before I sent my message and he got pissed off for leaving him on read and sent the proof (of what he was blackmailing me) to my parents.

I got upset and at school the next day at school he beat me up in front of everybody and I passed out. That was the end of our relationship. The next day my parents called the cops and he got sent to his aunts house in another state. Two days later he texted me and told me he still loved me, that same day I found out he got a new girlfriend. That night I started getting threats from his girlfriend on social media. She told me I deserved to be rapped and I was emotionally abusive to HIM!

So I ended up deleting all my social media. There were two other guys who came into

my life after that and they both ended up being assholes too. And some other shit happened.

It’s been like 6 months since all this and I can’t get over it. I cry myself to sleep every night. Feel guilty about everything that happened.

I dated my ex for three years. And now that he’s gone I feel lost... but I’m glad his gone. I’ve been so unhappy for so long.

I’ve gone to the best counciling places there is but nothing’s helping and my parents don’t believe in medication so I don’t know what to do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just never going to be happy again. And I’m so afraid to date. I’d rather be single forever then to risk going through that again. I’m trapped.