Today, it happened...

UPDATE: I am going to the doctor to talk about going on an antidepressant. This is something I have put off for a long time out of fear of being judged. I just need all the support I can get because this is not easy for me.

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Today, it happened...

Today, it happened. The mask I had held on for so long fell off as I made my way into work and I have never felt so vulnerable.

Last night I had a panic attack. I was crying in my bed, my heart was racing, I was nauseated, and felt faint. I thought I was finally losing all control. The strong wall I had up for 10 years was crumbling down in front of me and I was desperately trying to keep the small pieces intact. I woke up several times during the night wondering if my brave face was finally falling off, wondering if I finally had to come clean and finally say “I’m not okay”.

The people who know me best know my journey. They know every battle, every mistake, every thing that has knocked me down over the years, from my parents violent relationship, from being bullied in grade school, to the death of my best friend, to the death of my great grandmother whom I was very close to, to my dads cancer diagnosis, to the rape I endured when I was 17. I’ve not only kept a brave face for myself, but a brave face for those people who I love most. I don’t want them to see me suffer. I don’t want them to see the battles I fight within myself. I want them to look at me as someone who can handle anything thrown her way and who doesn’t get knocked down in one hit. I want them to see someone who is brave and who they can look up to.

Life has thrown 1000 punches at me and I still choose to move forward. I graduated from college with a 3.7gpa at the age of 18; 3 days before my high school graduation. I got a job in the health field by the age of 20 and that same year I enrolled in nursing school and successfully got in.

So why am I so depressed? Why do I still have this mask on? I guess making accomplishments in life won’t necessarily make you happy; Although, they can contribute. I realize only recently that I haven’t made peace with my past. I haven’t sat down and put it all to rest. Everybody struggles and everybody has a difficult past in some way or another, but if you choose to hold it all in and let it build up it won’t go away. Your past is part of you but it does not have to define you. It doesn’t have to linger around and make every step you take painful, or every breath you take a living nightmare because you want it to be your last.

Today, my mask fell off and although I feel vulnerable now, I also feel like it is for the best.