How can you

Idk why I find it so hard but how the hell do you just run away from a toxic abusive relationship with 2 kids and 1 on the way ... I don’t get any affection or compassion and if I do its probably once in a blue month and it seems so fake

He has told me the worst slapped me spit on me and even has had sexual intercourse while I cried and kept telling him to stop at one point I just went num 😞 and he says that was not rape and laughs but I mean how I still clean cook laundry everything a wife should even please him and I feel like such an idiot and somehow leaving him is hard I’ve been with him since the age of 17 and know 25 so he’s all I known I guess I look back at the good times and just try to bring that out again but those good times don’t Max to the bad times cause there has been more bad then good in this relationship