Not sure how to begin this...

Back in 2010 I was raped in a hotel by a casual acquaintance. He •informed• me that we were going to have sex. I said no, I didn’t want to, I wasn’t comfortable with that, etc. He tried pulling on me, then picked me up and carried me. My boyfriend at the time was nearby, so I tried calling for help. I could see that he was talking to another friend of ours and couldn’t hear me over the loud music. As the guy carried me away, I managed to get my cell phone out and text my bf for help, telling him I was about to be raped. No answer. The guy took me back to his hotel room and forced anal sex on me in the shower.

Over the next several years, I was living with that boyfriend who I had called out to. His father was a drinker. He would always corner me alone and force me to do oral with him or have sex with him or he would kick me out of the house. I used to have panic attacks and be crying hysterically while he forced me to let him do whatever he wanted with me.

There are other times when I’ve had less serious interactions, men forcibly kissing me, strangers making sexual comments and just treating me like nothing more than a pussy waiting to be fucked.

Unsurprisingly, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. My fiancé knows this. He knows that I am extremely skittish and uncomfortable when it comes to allowing anyone to touch me.

My daughter has a very rare medical condition and so she is often admitted to the hospital. The last time we were there, I had no food or sleep for several days. I finally tried to rest for a while on a chair. My fiancé kept trying to touch me (in the same room with my sick three year old). I kept pushing him off of me until he finally started yelling at me, saying things like “I’m your fiancé, not some rapist! I deserve some attention!” He got so loud that security had to come tell him to leave.

Just recently, we were in the shower and he kept trying to wash my boobs. I said no over and over. He wouldn’t give up. Finally I had to get right in his face and loudly say NOOOOO!! He seemed to back off, but then as soon as I turned away, he reached around me and grabbed my nipples. I was so upset and ashamed and hurt, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even speak to him.

A couple of days later, I tried to talk it out with him and he actually got angry at me, acting like he was the victim! He was saying stuff like “it’s not fair for you to treat me like that when all I was trying to do was help you, you know I didn’t mean to hurt you, it’s bullshit that you won’t trust me, etc etc”

He honestly doesn’t have a clue why I’m so upset, and I’ve tried to explain it any way I can think of. Leaving him is just not something that I’m willing to do. Please, can anyone give me some advice on how to get through this?