My ex boyfriend raped me and my parents are going to have me report it. I’m terrified

Hi everyone.

I guess im seeking some advice as to how to handle this situation. Since March (when my ex and I broke up, funny enough), I’ve been struggling with depression, panic, and anxiety attacks, as well as serious body image issues. In the past month, it has gotten drastically better, due to me making a sudden push at better mental health care for myself. Currently I’m at a point of happiness I can’t ever remember being at before.

Three, four-ish weeks ago, my ex boyfriend (who is 18) forced himself on me. I had been smoking marijuana and he had been drinking.

When it first happened, I didn’t know how to talk about it or think about it. I didn’t tell anyone and I didn’t plan to. My idea was to send my ex a letter, telling him to leave me alone, and then block him on everything. I wanted to forget about it and move on.

But then I thought I was pregnant. I knew he hadn’t used protection, and I had weird discharge, and my period began spotting a week early. So I told one of my oldest friends what happened over a 2 am FaceTime call.

My friend was fuming, begging me for permission to beat the shit out of my ex. The level of anger he expressed was frankly terrifying. I didn’t understand why - I suspect I was still in denial at this point.

I thought about my friend’s reaction and I re-analyzed the series of events that led me to my ex-boyfriend’s room that night. Over several days, I realized this wasn’t something to ignore. This was real, it happened to me, and it could have happened to someone else much easier. I realized that my ex is constantly hanging out with his 15-year-old sister’s friends. And I realized that it was not the first time he had sexually assaulted me. It had been happening our entire relationship.

I talked to more friends about it over the course of the next week. I opened up, let my walls down, said my feelings. Everyone was so amazing and supportive. All my friends hugged me, told me they were there for me, gave me chocolate, and so many hugs. Then, at the end of the week, when I felt ready, I wrote a letter and sent it to my ex boyfriend. In the letter, i told him what he did was wrong, and that if I heard about him doing it to someone else i would press charges. I told him to leave me alone - don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t speak to me. I then blocked him on everything.

I didn’t think about him, see him, or have any worries or doubts in my mind for the next week and a half or so. Life was great.

Then, several days ago, he texted a close friend of mine in an attempt to contact me. He begged my friend to get us to hang out. He ended up sending my friend screenshots of texts he (my ex) had tried to send me. Telling me he was sorry, he loved me, he needed me in his life. How we had been through *soooo much, too much to lose* or some bullshit like that. I had my friend tell my ex that I was not interested in speaking to him and I wanted him to leave me alone.

Today, my ex texted my friend again, telling him there was something wrong with his younger sister or something, and he needed to talk to me about it.

This made me very, very angry, and in a rage, I called my ex and gave him a piece of my mind. I let all of my anger, hurt, and frustration out on him. I told him he needed to stop harassing me and my friends. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, and i told him to leave me alone.

I have never felt so angry in my life. When I came out of my bedroom after the phone call, my stepmom noticed that I was fuming, and I gave her a short explanation as of why. She didn’t know about what happened between my ex and I, and since I don’t know how to say it out loud yet, I just said “...basically, the worst thing possible happened....” and explained the letter I sent to him briefly. I don’t think she fully understood what I meant.

She told my dad and at dinner he confronted me. My dad and I are really close, and I think he was hurt that I had not told him sooner. (I was planning on telling my dad everything once I knew I was ready to talk about it. He knew something had happened, just not that my ex had raped me.)This caused him to say things I’m not ready to hear yet. I ended up panicking and leaving the kitchen table to go sit in a corner in my room and calm down.

My dad wants me to press charges now, and thinking about that terrifies me. I don’t want to deal with police reports. I don’t want to talk about what happened. I don’t want to think about it or have it shoved in my face. I don’t want to remember every detail (I’m grateful the memory is in a stoney haze) and have to tell those details to strangers.

Since blocking my ex, I met a new guy, who I’ve started seeing seriously. I’m crazy about him, and since being with him im happier than I’ve ever been. I dropped out of school for the semester (for other various reasons) and am starting a business. I don’t want to focus on my ex, I want to focus on what’s ahead of me.

And talking about it still freaks me out. I’m just not ready to yet. I will be, I’m sure, but right now it makes my face hot, voice shaky, palms sweaty, and my heart thud in my throat.

I guess i just don’t know if I’m being naive and not handling the situation as I should. When something like this happens, do you just grab it by the horns and take it on full-force? Or is it okay to wait a little, until you know you are stable enough to deal with it? I’ve never been around any situation of this capacity. Seeing the anger it causes in people who care about me is intimidating. I want to believe this situation is something I can easily move on from, but seeing other people so upset about it makes me anxious. I don’t want to be this subject of attention. I just want to live my life, move on, focus on more important things.

**TL;DR:** My (18m) ex boyfriend raped me (17f) and I don’t feel mentally prepared to handle the situation, but am being forced to by my family. I’m angry, scared, and don’t know how to do this.

I apologize for this being so long, and fingers crossed I didn’t forget anything. Thank you for reading. ♡