Just wanted to vent...

I have been ttc for 4 years. Never had a positive preg test. At first I thought it was my partner (he was a heavy drinker and smoker) however he’s had 2 children (within the last 2 years) and I still have none. I’m having what I thought were preggo symptoms but tested this morning and it was negative. My cycle is due Mon or Tues. and I know it’s coming so I don’t even want to set myself up to think otherwise. I just never ever in my life thought this would happen to me. Your parents tell you not to have sex because you’ll get pregnant but definitely never tell you that for some it’s harder than others. They never tell you abt the countless days and nights you spend crying, wishing that your body “worked” and wondering what you’re doing wrong. They never tell you abt the countless amount of money that you’ll spend on pregnancy tests hoping that it was your month. Or how crazy you feel for thinking it was a preg symptom when it was just a period symptom. After finding out that my ex is expecting another baby, I’ve just breaking down thinking abt how all this time it was ME. I was the problem. I’ve been to a fertility specialist in the past and have decided to go again. I enjoy looking on here seeing all of the beautiful bfps. I call it my “happy place” and try to come here when I start feeling sad. If I can’t be happy for myself, I can at least be happy for someone else. 💖