I need help. Big time

THIS IS HONESTLY A RANT ABOUT MY MENTAL STATE:

Sorry about the title that’s just how I feel right now with all of my emotions. I don’t know how to really explain my emotions but I’m trying so hard to find a therapist or something to help me. I’m 20 and you could say I’ve been through a lot of bullshit in my life and I can’t seem to get out of this hole I’m in. I’m either in a constant rage or depression all the time, I’ve been feeling less and less confidant in my future and it’s just extremely overwhelming. I feel like it’s effecting my everyday life and that scares me. A part of me knows it’s just my mind and I need to be positive and work through everyday the best I can, but the other part of me doesn’t see the point in trying or doesn’t believe it will work. It’s been a strain on my relationships, work, and my physical health. Does anyone have any advice or any hobby that helped them ? I would very much appreciate it. ❤️