Post-rape

So I was raped...it happened over a year ago. I feel a need to just vent. And also seek some guidance.

I was or am a virgin. I still think about this question in my head wondering if I am or not. I’ve decided I am. Since I hear and read virginity is just a social construct and I get to decide what it means to me. I really try hard to believe this. That rape is not “i lost my virginity sex”...that’s for someone I consent to and I won’t let the guy who raped me take that away from me too.

Anyway, I didn’t tell anyone and kept quiet. Which I regret. I should have at least looked for some counseling. I thought keeping a secret and convincing myself it didn’t happen would make it better. But I think about it. And I know it’s not healthy.

I have a boyfriend now. He is very sweet. I’m not sure if I should tell him. I’ve watched 13 Reasons Why recently with my mom. I listened to her thoughts about the scenarios as I silently looked at what the characters show they were going through. Some feelings i relate to but others I don’t. Everyone reacts differently i think. One girl on the show said that she didn’t want to let her rape define her so she didnt tell her boyfriend.

Now, I know it may not be good to take advice from a tv show but...i kind of feel the same. But possibly for the wrong reasons. The reason is I’m still ashamed. I know I shouldn’t. But my boyfriend is the whole 10 yards of being a virgin and saving himself for the real one. I felt dirty for awhile after the rape happened and then I felt okay. But I feel gross not telling him but I also am afraid of him thinking I am gross after I do. I am sure he wouldn’t but the fear is there. But knowing that he wants to wait, not for marriage but for someone he feels a connection with, is why I feel safe with him. Even if we mess around.

After I was raped, I “messed around” a lot. Partially because I wanted to have sex consentially so I wouldn’t have this constant debate in my head about my virginity. But also because I was lonely. I found a friend. He told me some dark secrets so I told him mine. We tried to have sex. This was about 5 months after the rape. My now boyfriend was already flirting with me, trying to get past the friend stage. But there I was with another guy trying to lose my virginity the “right” way. Or what I thought was the right way.

The guy was very gentle and nice. But he literally could not get it in. He tried, trust me. I even tried. It was a bit humorous. And even though it didn’t happen we still cuddled and he let me know it would be alright as I cried.

However, I felt kinda broken. Like my body was attacking itself. Shutting down. Although, I am happy it did it that night. Even if I thought I was ready, I obviously wasn’t.

I just question if I ever will be. I didn’t really use many tampons before but now when I see them I can’t even imagine putting one up there.

I can touch myself now. But haven’t dared tried putting a finger or anything in. This is probably tmi. But I’m just scared that I will be like this forever.

Is there any methods to getting myself comfortable to the thought of it again?

I feel like it’s time to let go and not let it affect me anymore. And I don’t know how. I just wish there were instructions of how to deal with the aftermath. Why does it affect me so much?

Anyway, I think I feel better. I was afraid of my story. But maybe sharing it is better then pretending it didn’t Happen. Thank you for anyone who read this. And if you have any tips I would appreciate them.

:)