New here I just downloaded glow after ive been using fertility friend forever. Im just hurting alot and want to write it down where hopefully someone can understand because no one in my life can/does. Its pretty long and i dont really know if anyone will even read it i just want to get some of it out (Trigger warning: miscarriage)

I found out a week ago that my younger brothers gf is pregnant. I know its selfish but Im envious and even mad about it. I just cant get over how unfair it feels. They never said they were trying and if they were it wasnt more then a month or two because I know she was on the pill in July (we joked when her alarm to take it went off during a family super). Where as I have been trying with my SO for 5 years( started ttc 2013). Since finding out I fell into an extreme depression, Ive seeked help but Im still just surviving through the day with many crying fits. Its just brought back my own loss to me, that my own baby should be a year and a half should have been the first grand child. I dont know how to handle this and I selfishly dont want to be an aunt. I obviously dont have a choice and this is the depression talking. I skipped thanksgiving because I couldn't handle seening my brother/his gf as well as them give my grandparents the news, when I really dont feel thankful. Im mad and hurt and I know its selfish so Im mad at myself for being selfish and I just dont know what to do anymore.

My history with ttc:Went to a doctor in late 2015 for help. The tests showed no reason on my end but my SO seman analysis wasn't ideal, 35%motility 7%morphology. The local fertility doc told my man to take vitamins try for another year and if still not pregnant get <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">iui</a>. July 2016 I got the best news of my life when the test finally had the 2nd magic pink line, I was overjoyed I bought the books and imagined our lives in the future. At 8 weeks I started spotting they did a pelvic ultrasound said there was a strong heart beat and everything looked good not to worry, a few days later my HCG levels had droped and they said I lost my baby. I still havn't gotten past my loss but Ive tried to distract myself and move forward- I went to school for a career that would give me the ability to work around the family/make a decent living and after a few months we started ttc again. Now im done school established the carrer but no baby still. So i felt ready to move ahead with the treatments. Were not rich but we finally have a few thousand saved not much but enough for a couple rounds of <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">iui</a> and the time off it would require for the treatments/traveling now. I had just made a doctors appointment (which is still a week away-i love my family doc but need a new one shes starting retirement and impossible to see) to ask for a referal to the fertility clinic a few hours away, and most likely get all the tests done again because of the time thats past. I knew that even after I get the referal it would be months of waiting, and even then no guarantees but now that seems unbarable since hearing my brothers news.

I am still under 30 and young but after all these years Im afraid I will never be a mother. I dont know what to do anymore, just that i want to be a mom.