Long. But worth the read for a miracle.

Late 2016 me and my fiancé decided to start trying for a baby. January 2018 after 16 unsuccessful months of trying we made the call to our doctors to begin tests. I started having the basic bloods done at my gp practice. There’s then a set of bloods you have to have done on your period. But aunt flow didn’t come. A positive pregnancy test did. We were pregnant. A relief. Our bodies work. We cancelled all our tests. We were the happiest couple ever. Then week six I started to bleed. Only spotting but I felt very unwell. I went to a&e and they gave us the ‘you’re young, you can try again’ (I was 25 then and my fiancé 29) chat. But when they asked how long it took to conceive there faces dropped. They gave us a leaflet and sent us on our way. I cried all the way out. I saw how every looked at me. The drive home I could remember every song played and I can bare to hear them ever again. We went to bed by then it was 1am. I woke up and everything began. It was a very natural miscarriage. No after care sadly. The pain was unbearable. We grieved. Tbh we haven’t stopped grieving to this day. My fiancé was incredible. He felt our pain. And he held our home together. We lost our little baby on March 1st. A few months past. We were expecting again. Full of anxiety. Expected. We had a early scan at 6 weeks. Everything was fine. Then at 9 weeks my symptoms had completely disappeared. No midwife. No hospital would hear me our. Something was wrong. So we booked a private scan. July 4th the lady at the scan told us we’d lost our sweet baby again. A missed miscarriage at 9 weeks. It felt like a life time laying there while the lady finished up looking and filling out paperwork to send me to hospital. Then started the long process at the epu of consultations of choosing what we wanted to do. I chose medical management based on the least risks. I swallowed a pill and had the anti d injection then 24hrs later the next morning came in for the pessaries. They sent me home with the what to expect with pain killers. But I had complications. The pain was not supposed to be this bad. They only tell you if you bleed to much what to do. Not what happens if you’re not bleeding. I was crippled in pain on my hall floor. I couldn’t breath. I just screamed. A ambulance was supposed to come it didn’t. So we drove there. I was supposed to be taken straight in. But they made us sit in the waiting room where I collapsed. The reception didn’t alert anyone. My mum begged and begged to let me through. My fiancé held me as I kept collapsing. They finally let us in. I screamed in pain and nobody came to help. After 2 hours someone wanted to give me pain relief. 15 holes in my arm they could find a spot to fit a canular. I was in agony and finally they would give me oral medicine. Finally I was taken to the gynaecologist ward. After several more attempts a canular. They got in eventually. I wonderful doctor collected us a took us into surgery where my fiancé was allowed to come. My cervix didn’t open enough. So everything was stuck. They pulled everything they could out and the pain subsided from feeling like I was dying to just about bearable pain. By then it was 10pm. I was told I was staying in. My mum left with my fiancé. He went home to collect some stuff for us. I was pumped with medication. Everyone on the ward was attentive. Finally staff with compassion and sensitivity. I’d just lost our baby. I needed empathy. They set up a bed for my fiancé and said he could stay with me. After a long night of checks. They let me go home the next afternoon. With meds. Recovery was long. I ended up with 4 infections. Two uti’s. A cervix infection and a uterus infection. After about 3 weeks I was well enough. We were still grieving. That never stops. Apparently I was very fertile. So we had sex. Once. Which is unusual cause we try every day to every other day on our fertile week. We talked together terrified that we may never be able to carry a baby. That something was wrong with one of us or both. We decide we needed to add something wonderful this year and decided to book our wedding. A small private gathering. A few loved ones and a friend. And a little dinner. We needed to do it. So we booked it for the 27th of October 2018. It gave us hope for something. We couldn’t wait to get married. But August 10th came. Still no period. I’ll do a test. No way could I be pregnant. But I was. But only 2 days later at 4 weeks I had a large bleed. I knew what this meant. So did the doctors. We were devastated. The third time. We know what this means. 3s a problem. Everyone though it was a natural miscarriage again. They told me to hang in there 2 weeks. And to take a test then to see if my pregnancy test was clear. But it wasn’t. It was so dark. So they booked me in with the epu. They did a blood test and sent us home. They called the same day confused as I was. My levels were high. In the thousands. So they called us in for a scan. The doctor said ‘sorry this is not a healthy pregnancy. All we see is a sack at 6 weeks and we think it’s a partial miscarriage. We cried. They sent us home and booked a scan for 2 weeks later. I guess to see if the rest would take care. I had a bother bleed the day before the scan. Me and my fiancé thought it was over. But they looked at us confused and said. There’s your baby. There was a baby. A tiny flickering of a heartbeat. Nobody knows what had happened but it wasn’t over. We cried happy tears. We went home a few weeks later I was having strong pain and my symptoms disappeared. We were sent for a scan and everyone smiled. There was a baby. And they looked like a baby. A beating heart. Perfect at 8.6 weeks. Then yesterday was our dating scan. We are terrified. Knowing how quick life can be snatched away. We were called in. The scan began. And she quickly relieved us. A beautiful baby. The room must have felt a wind. You could hear the relief in the puff of air we both blew out. It was amazing. We’d never reached this stage before. Dated at 12.2weeks. The first journey after a scan that we smiled all the way home. The thought that our nursery will officially start and that the baby clothes I could look at and not cry out of sadness and look with relief. Our baby is ok. We are so happy. I’ve had a panel added in my wedding dress and we are announcing on our wedding day to close loved ones in a couple of weeks. The journey can be long. It can be sad. But it’s not over till someone says it is. I will not forget what a lady said as she waited for her scan. She said ‘ you do what you can do, then the rest will take care of itself’. Baby G. Aka Jelly bean. Arriving 22.04.2019

I can’t stand the smell of fabric softener atm. The only food I want to eat all day is chocolate.