My SO brutally assaulted me

⚠️ Very Long Post // Domestic Violence, Substance Abuse & Trigger Warning ⚠️

I suffer from depression/bipolar disorder and anxiety for many years now. Before I got pregnant, I turned to alcohol. I was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic if I didn’t consider myself one already. It ruined a lot of things for me. I’d drink so much everyday that I didn’t care what I was doing to myself, or my body or to the people around me that cared. I itched for an escape from my sober depressive thoughts. I knew drinking wouldn’t make things better in general, but for the moment that I was drunk..things felt better for me & I’d give anything to feel that moment of relief every single time. The effects of alcohol shook off the demons that lived inside of me and drowned them. But they always found their way to swim to the surface and bring me down with them when I was sober. Yet I kept turning to alcohol because I was so desperate to escape myself. It was becoming a vicious cycle.

When I got pregnant with the man who I thought was the love of my life, I had to give up everything. My family couldn’t support me anymore so me and my SO got our own apartment. My life now relied on him. He pays all the bills. Without him, I’d be on the streets. A few months in, my depression never fully went away but it did ease down. The times I did feel depressed I conquered the urge to drink for my unborn baby because I had no other choice. No matter how much I wanted to drink, I refused to while pregnant. What helped me through the hard times was knowing I was growing a life inside of me I couldn’t wait to meet and show an endless amount of love to. I convinced myself having a baby wasn’t going to make me feel so lonely. I thought I’d never have to go back to alcohol & it would cure my depression. I pictured this happy little family with my daughter and SO. I couldn’t wait to be a Mom. I had all the emotional support I could’ve ever wanted. But then, things changed.

I had my daughter August 13th 2018 and my depression started creeping up on me once again and eventually hit me hard. It was a mix of PPD & general depression combined. I found myself looking at my daughter and not feeling that happiness or love I always imagined I’d have with her. Things got hard. I became lazy, uninterested. I just wanted to sleep. I started throwing the responsibilities I had of my daughter at my SO & even my family. I just wanted to escape motherhood and return to my previous life. I started to feel the urge to drink again to numb the pain I felt every single day. I knew I could get away with drinking since I’m not pregnant anymore or breastfeeding. So, I completely backtracked and started drinking again. (Of course, I made sure my daughter was in the care of someone sober.) My SO found out and didn’t like it. I convinced him I was just having 1 harmless beer every now and then to “relax” just like how some people have a glass of wine after a stressful day. As time went on, that 1 beer every so often just wasn’t enough to rid my depression. I started becoming desperate & greedy to have more. I went from having 1 beer, to 2 to 4.. & then 6 all in one night almost every single day. I still felt depressed, I wanted even more. I wanted to drink to the point of impairment like how I used to. I turned to those “tall boy” beers that have 8% in them. I knew those would help. They always did. So I drank 1 and still wasn’t satisfied.. so then I drank 2. & I lost control. But losing control meant losing all feeling I felt and I finally got myself to the point of what I longed for the most, relief.

Fast forward to 2 days ago. My SO found out I had drank 2 tall boys and he just had enough. We got into an argument. I hated seeing him mad so I tried to hug him and talk things out. He told me to leave him alone and to get away from him. I was so drunk that I didn’t care. I kept trying to hug him and he kept telling me to stay away before things start to get ugly. I didn’t take him seriously and it got to the point he became so furious with me, he pushed me to the ground. I stood up and got in his face and told him he’d have to do better then that to get me away from him because all I want is his forgiveness. He kept throwing me down. I kept getting up and then, disaster struck. I unleashed the beast that hid inside of him that I never thought I’d see.

He hit me a numerous amount of times. I took so many hits from him that I became angered & felt the need to defend myself. So I hit him back. Big fucking mistake. From there on, things got really bad. He picked me up by my head and body slammed me to the floor. He got on top of me and started punching me in my face and head. He choked me, kicked me in the face & neck and bashed my head into the floor a bunch of times. I was losing. I didn’t know if he would ever stop. In that moment, I thought I was going to die. But In the back of mind I wish he would’ve just killed me. He eventually stopped and I called the police. I have a year to press charges but without him, I realize I have no where to go. I’m so content where I’m living now with him, I can’t imagine going to a shelter. I evidently need him. I can’t raise my daughter myself. I’m financially & mentally unstable. My problem is him and his volatile ways. I’m beyond scared of him & I’m afraid this will happen again. I guess I’ll just have to avoid him as long as it puts a roof under me and my daughters head because I can’t move back to my parents. They can’t support me and my daughter and they flat out just don’t want me back there. I know he’s not a threat to our daughter. He loves her more than life itself & has been the best father figure he could ever be to her.

Idk if anyone’s ever experienced something similar to this but I guess I just need some support. Advice maybe? I’m at a complete loss and feel more depressed than ever and I’m so upset that I can’t turn to alcohol to make things better because obviously, it just makes things worse. I still want to freaking drink though. I took a better initiative though & made an appointment with my Neurologist to go on some sort of Anti Depressant. I guess we’ll see where that leads me from there. Thank you to whoever reads this and possibly even cares. I apologize that this was such a long post & I’d appreciate if nobody bashed me & made me feel even worse than I already do. Thank you.