My SO (plans to be married next year, lived together going on 5 years, have 2 kids together and 26 weeks with our third)

Is out of town most of the time for work. I see him maybe a week each month. That being said, we don’t have sex often. And being pregnant I have zero sex drive. I just don’t like it or find it pleasing. I also feel gross having sex knowing theres a baby in my belly. Yes I know most people dont feel that way, but I do.

Anyway,

Yesterday he tried having sex with me a couple times during the day, I declined. I just don’t wanna. Well after laying in bed last night my back was hurting. And he rubbed my back until I fell asleep.

I’m not sure if he knew I had fallen asleep, but when I woke up (I’m guessing a few minutes later) he was shoving his penis inside me and it scared me and I realized it was him. I didn’t necessarily tell him to stop, or no, but he also kept trying to do anal play and I made him stop with that Bc weve never done that before and I didn’t want sex to begin with. He was pretty rough and I kinda just layed there not wanting to move. I just wanted it to be over. I wasn’t turned on in the slightest and I was confused and I felt so uncomfortable and disgusted. He changed positions and started kissing me and I kinda avoided him kissing me on the lips and didn’t make any eye contact. I was still trying to grasp if I was just dreaming. He stopped and asked me what’s wrong and I just told him it hurts but to just finish Bc I had to pee.

He finishes after I lay there like a dead person not really doing anything at all. It was the most uncomfortable thing he’s ever done.

In the past he’s woken me up to have sex but never in that type of way. I really want to say he thought I was awake and letting him do all of those things. I just don’t know. He’s always been the type of guy who would never do anything to hurt me. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think he was sure he surprised me like that. I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night Bc I was scared he would do it again. I just don’t know. I feel bad Bc we never have sex. Maybe if I had sex with him earlier that day he wouldn’t have done that. Idk. My thoughts are everywhere. He’s gone off to work again for another week. So I’m alone. I don’t really have many friends to talk to. Just needed to vent everything out

In addition: I love him dearly and I do believe he thought I was awake. However I’m not him so I can’t be sure what he was thinking. He does watch porn. It’s never bothered me because I do too. We’ve watched it together. No I don’t think he would ever cheat no matter how desperate he gets. However last night I truly felt violated. I know if I didn’t want it I should’ve just stated I didn’t but I felt so bad for not ever having sex with him I just let it continue after I woke up.

I’m not saying he raped me either. I’m just stating it just truly made me uncomfortable.. I mean I woke up and there was a penis being shoved inside me from behind. I’m home alone a lot so a big fear I have is having my home broken into and someone causing harm to me or my kids. So it just gave me really bad anxiety the entire night. I had to calm myself down in a secretive manner and felt a panic attack coming on while he was having sex with me Bc I didn’t want him to know I was scared and wanted him to stop I just wanted to make him happy at the same time. Idk. I truly just needed to vent. He left early this morning around 6am and I haven’t said anything to him and I don’t think I’m going to as I doubt it’ll ever happen again. I know he knew something was wrong and my facial expression showed it I’m certain. Even though I tried to hide it. I’ve never experienced being asleep and waking up to someone already having sex with me and I’m pretty much over it now but at the time and all morning I didn’t feel like myself Bc of it.