He's great, everybody loves him. He's great at everything he does. He's polite, well mannered, chivalrous, courteous, helpful, respectful, and seems to All Around have good morals. My mother adores him. He's great with my son. He is handsome as ever,funny, and a great provider. What more can I ask for right? That's pretty much perfection.This is sarcasm guys.

I'm not typing this I'm saying it into the voice translator. Only because I need to hear myself say it. My stomach knots up when I think about it.  I have nobody to talk to. I don't want to look stupid. I feel stupid as it is already. I've been parading myself and this man around.  Family portraits, outings, coordinated outfits to functions like  we're a great couple, a good looking unit, like everything is okay and is going to be okay. But we're not. But it's not.

Every relationship has problems. But it's about how we handle them and cope.

I admit fully, I broke his trust almost 1 year ago. I was in a dark place in my life when he met me. I was drinking damn near everyday and had developed a cocaine habit. A woman from his past had contacted him. I immediately assumed he was cheating, I felt stupid ,played ,angry and I slept with my ex who lived right around the corner from my best friend who I was drinking and venting to that night. It was stupid and unlike myself. I would never do it, or anything related again. I haven't. I cleaned up immediately. I've paid for that mistake every day after. Allowing him to control me and everything I do, and everyone I talk to because I felt guilty and that I owed it to him. I deleted all social media and dont hang out with friends anymore."Peace of mind" we called it. Or as we know...isolation.

 The first time.. about 4 months ago, he shoved me into a wall. I  dont remember what we were arguing about. The second time, he smacked a glass from my hand as I was about to have a drink. I went to get another and he wrestled me and threw me to the wall...again. The third time, he was getting angry at something we were talking about. He has a habit of breaking or throwing things when he's mad...this time he threw a lamp from his bedside table. He threw it in my direction ...but it hit my face. He swears up and down that the cord was caught and it manipulated its direction to my face...either way, it hit me. Now.. I will say,  I do have a mouth..but I do not call him names or say mean or spiteful things.  I speak facts and he doesn't like it. He gets mad and does this. Its not right.

 The 4th time was this past Saturday night. Our day was great.  We had a day to ourselves so we went to lunch and then shopping. That evening we had a couple of drinks and after we were to go bar hopping because we felt like we needed a night out. We never made it to a bar. After drinks, we came home to use the restroom and freshen up a bit. He starts...talking about my past. I say " No, we're not doing this tonight we are going to go have a good time together." He catches himself,  but keeps eeking towards a conversation we both know leads to destruction. I say I'm not doing this,  he says well fuckin leave then.  So to de-escalate  I try to go, I need some space. He follows me out and takes my keys and purse.  We exchange words and he shoves me onto my car. I walk back inside. I'm embarrassed because out neighbors are outside as well. I walk back into the kitchen by the backdoor and he puts his arm around my neck from behind into a choke hold. I do nothing to him. He's yelling and pushing his body weight into me,  I go to the living room and he shoves me into the sofa. I'm numb. I can't call for help he took my phone.  I can't leave he shoves me from the doors. I go to the room idk for what,  he smashes my vanity mirror that my mother gave me, that I cherished. He throws all of my clothes out of my drawers and all of my make up around the room. I'm tired of watching him destroy me. I grab a picture collage I made for him of his family,  I shatter it. He stops. After, like always, a whirlwind of regret and apologies. Why am I still here?..

For everyone wondering, my 7 year old was kept from all this. He had/has no idea what was and is going on. He still has a schedule to keep for homework and school. What I did was on my own time. The night of the slip up he was having a sleepover. The night's these things happen he is somewhere else as his cousins love having him over. He's a happy kid. I keep a strong demeanor for him.

Today It's full of texts making sure I'm okay, "i love yous" , I'm so beautiful,  hes so sorry yadda yadda.I feel torn down and destroyed. I have no energy or motivation. I feel anything but beautiful. I feel pathetic and broken.  I needed to recap everything that's happened. I still haven't fully processed it. He leaves no marks on me so I can't document anything. I don't feel anybody would believe me theres no evidence. He said himself.." This is turning into some sick desperation of not wanting you to leave.." I've seen what happens to women who try to leave men like that. I'm terrified. I feel like I'm in a corner, and any movement I make will set him off. I am 2 months late of my period. Getting bfns so let's hope its stress.

I look into the mirror and I can see sadness and emptiness in my face. I have decided I am going to leave. I need to be extra careful about it.