Dealing with mommy life and ppd/a

Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to share my experience.

I realized 2 weeks after baby was born that I had been depressed for the majority of my pregnancy and it got considerably worse after. I felt that everything was going wrong and I was a terrible mother and shouldn’t even have a second baby (I have a 2 year old and now my newborn). My husband had lost his job, I had to go in early disability so money is tight, I gained 70lbs while pregnant, my 2 year old was a terror and I didn’t even want to go out with her anymore. And then when baby was born and he had jaundice and was hospitalized. Then he had silent reflux and didn’t sleep without being carried. He has mspi and I had to go dairy and soy free in order to breastfeed him. He was a really fussy baby and because I wasn’t getting any sleep and my depression hit a low. One night I just stared at my crying newborn and sleeping husband and I decided I hate my children. I am ashamed to say that but I did. I hated them. I hated myself for being such a terrible mother to them. I called the doctor the very next day and when the nurse asked what I wanted to see the doctor for I broke down. The doctor saw me right away and gave me Zoloft. It’s been a month now since starting it. I felt a difference right away. I got a gi for my newborn and started him on ranitidine. I started to take my 2 year old out again. I started cooking again. And I even exercised yesterday. Today as I was nursing my newborn, I noticed he was distracted and I look down and it’s because he is staring at me. He smiled at me. It completely melted my heart. My 2 year old then came and started to feed me her snacks as I nursed. Today I finally started to see the good parts of being a mom again. At 8 weeks pp I’m slowly but surely getting my life straight. I know there will still be bad days. I know I am not perfect and I think I always had an anxiety issue but it’s getting better. I’m getting better. 🙂 here is a pic of my babies