I Wish It Had Gone Better

I had my 2nd appointment today. This is my 3rd baby. I know what a heartbeat sounds like. And I knew within a few minutes of my doctor looking she couldnt find one. I’ve had high risk pregnancies so I could feel panicked even though I didn’t want to.

I never felt so scared.

We went for an ultrasound. She said let’s try a vaginal ultrasound. A regular one wasn’t giving any results.

All I could do was cry. Was my baby gone? Had we lost it? What did I do wrong? How would I tell my kids?

Finally, she found the baby using the vaginal ultrasound. But I heard no heart. I was terrified. There is a baby but his heart stopped.

Finally, she showed my husband and me a little beating heart. The machine had no sound for us to hear. She said peanut is fine. But that was the longest half hour of my life.

I’ve been so exhausted the rest of the day I can hardly focus. I know she said the baby is fine. I don’t have to come back for 4 weeks which seems like forever.

With all the stress and fear I didn’t even ask what the heart rate was. I just took her word the baby was okay. I could see it on the screen. But it was super blurry bc it was a small machine they keep in the office for emergencies.

I skipped church tonight. My husband and oldest child went. The little guy and I stayed home. I usually sit with him in the nursery anyways. And I honestly don’t care if anyone is upset that I haven’t been coming. I’m puking. I’m exhausted. And I don’t want to talk about the baby. I don’t wanna talk about how I feel. I feel scared and tired and spent emotionally.

I’m so thankful she says the baby is fine. She said sometimes it goes that way. They get hard to find. But it has me shaken even still. I’m relieved but hormones has me all out of whack.

I was so looking forward to this appointment. And it was so rough. But I’m thankful we didn’t lose our miracle.