Trying to remain positive

Good morning, I’ve been on here for a couple weeks and reading some of your encouraging words and I will say it does make a difference. I’ve always had a feeling of conquering this world alone. I do have close relatives but as some of us know family sometimes will not understand and to be honest I’ve always been guarded. I’ve never felt so out of control in my adult life. I’ll be 40 in February and I do not have any children. I’ve been trying actively for a few months but looking at my highest percentage to conceive and my age it’s a little discouraging. I find myself watching every baby video and every announcement wishing it was me. I had an abortion so many years ago after my then fiancé decided he didn’t want a life with me or really he had another life already. I’ve been thinking maybe this is my punishment for being an idiot. I’m currently not sleeping and my attitude is something to be desired lately. I know I have to remain positive I know but lately these last few days i can’t stop tears from flowing. It’s difficult to smile thru this. You never know what life has planned for you and I usually am very good at handling every turn but this I feel like I’m losing control. I’m elated that I came across this because I was at a point of throwing in the towel and this is the only reason I can keep trying. Thank you for being so honest, encouraging, helpful, positive. Baby dust to you all!!