Two days ago I found out that I’m 4 weeks pregnant. When I flipped the test over there was not a single part of me that felt happy or excited or anything remotely close. I am in my final year of college and I live in a tiny studio apartment. My debit card got declined while I was trying to buy these pregnancy tests.

This is not the situation/environment that I envisioned for myself during pregnancy. This baby’s father and I have been dating for five months. We’re nowhere near ready. I am also in a very intense program for school, and I can barely handle the stress as it is. Let alone, I’ll be forced to delay all of the clinical lab portions of my class because we work with harsh chemicals that I would not be able to be around while pregnant.

I do not want to go through this pregnancy. I don’t want to do adoption, I just want it over.

I think what I’m struggling with the most is that when I tell people, they say congratulations. And when I’m not automatically excited, they tell me I should be grateful or that the baby is a gift from God. I feel so guilty for hating this situation and wishing that whatever went wrong that led me here had never happened. I see the forums of women praying and hoping to conceive and here I am wishing I’d miscarry.

I scheduled a medical abortion appointment for next week. I know it’s the right decision for me and I am sure that I will not have second thoughts. But I’m having a hard time dealing with the guilt. If I could take another woman’s infertility problems and give her my somehow bionic reproductive system that doesn’t respond to birth control I’d do it in a heartbeat.