They almost raped me

Last night, for the first time in a while, I looked in the mirror and stood there staring at myself. I said “You are beautiful, I love your hair. You have a radiant smile, you are SO pretty. Your skin color, your eyes, your natural glow is gorgeous. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

I am thankful I did that. I have a history of sexual abuse. My friend knows this and we had talked about it again earlier in the day. I have PTSD. When I have panic attacks it feels like someone is physically molesting me.

I met up with this friend of 10 years and a girl he thought I would get along with. We drank, and I haven’t drank in a long time so it hit me pretty hard. We all went home to his house and started watching a movie. When we were kids he would put his arm around me, but it was a friendly gesture, not a sexual one. I felt safe and comfortable. I start to doze off when I feel a hand grab mine and put it on his penis. I was shocked. It was the girl. The girl tried to motion me to grab him again and again. I moved my hand quickly off of him and was so tired and drunk that I fell back asleep. I woke up to her voice saying “she’s really drunk, have you taken her bra off yet?” He started to try and I woke up and said “no this is not a good idea” that was all that could come out of my mouth. I knocked out again; she kept trying to grab me and tell him what to do to me. He didn’t persist and starting having sex with her next to me. I woke up and thought “either I am going to get raped again tonight by my best friend or I need to get the fuck out of here”. I got up and said “you guys are too fucking much; if you’re even a remotely decent human you will walk me the fuck out.” He did. I yelled at him. I told him he hit an all time fucking low, I reminded him of my PTSD, and how we had talked about it hours before. I realized he is much more of a broken human being than I had imagined and the people he surrounds himself with are just as shitty. I prayed for him. I told him god wants to make him new, but he needs to give up this life of corruption. I said I’m not going to stay here and be abused by the one person who I thought understood me. It was 4AM, I called my friend and said I’m drunk and alone and I need a safe place to stay.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made, says the Lord. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.