I am 25 and would like to start with I have a now four year old son from a previous relationship in which all five of the years i was with him he was verbally and physically abusive which led to my mom getting custody of my baby because he wouldnt let me leave and would threaten anyone and everyone including my son if i tried. I finally got a way when he cheated on me and got her pregnant.

I took was forced by his family to get birth control right after my son was born and had it removed as soon as i could when I moved to a different state. I always wanted to be a mother but because my mom has had custody for so long and adopted my son I will not be able to get custody back. I know he is living the best life with my mom and I know he is safe always.

After being Single for a little over a year I met and fell in love with the greatest and sweetest guy I have ever met. We took it slow and we ended up pregnant in July. I was ecstatic but @ 5 weeks and three days I miscarried. A week later I had a period. I went a little nuts with baby fever and felt like i was pregnant or going to be pregnant. In September i didnt get my period until the last day going into Oct. that lasted 4 days about a week and a half later i had another period also four days. November i had one period which was five days but really painful.

I thought we had convieved this month because i had so many symptoms including a high very soft slightly open cervix but Af showed up a day early and again it is really painful i am only on day three. usually i have seven days of heavy flow but i am hoping for five like last cycle. my cervix right before my period was low super soft and open.

Which leds me to the aweful decision to stop trying, I wont say that the obgyn here has gone to great lengths to help me but they ran a hormone levels blood test and I know my Cm and cp it all feels normal.

I lost my beloved familiar cat of five years (I am a wiccan) a week ago today in a tragic way and It has made an emotional train wreck out of me. So much so that i want to give up even trying. I feel like I already have. My boyfriend hasn't said anything but i know he is disappointed too. He is wonderful with my son and I know he wants a child of his own. I know he is hurt by the loss of my cat even though he is of Christian faith he understands how attached i was.

I just feel so deeply depressed and i spend most of the night awake crying and trying to clean a mess that usually consists of the clothes he wore to work and towels and rags and socks that are mostly clean. I washed cups and water bottles last night that are disposable just to do something.

I am sorry this was so long but I feel like its unfair that someone that didnt want kids from the beginning has two he never sees or cares, but for my sweet man of my dreams we just keep losing one battle after the next. I dont want to hurt him more we've been through enough the past six months and i just don't know what to do anymore. Like i want to have a baby with him but im just so tired of disappointment when we've been trying and doing everything right. Any advice or tips?