PCOS life

Alicia • 🖤

I was diagnosed with PCOS years ago. My ex-husband was mostly supportive during that diagnosis. And during that timeframe of my life, I had gained a lot of weight, I was losing hair, my acne was out of control, I was a mess emotionally, and I always had headaches approaching migraines. With that. I had a terrible schedule and issue with getting my cycle. I had stopped taking birth control because I had been on it since I was 16, and I wanted my body to purge it. At the time. I wanted kids. I wanted a family. I thought my husband at the time did too. I went a full year without a period. Seems crazy to look back and think I went that long and didn't do anything about it. But all of my symptoms just kind of came to head and hit my realization out of nowhere. When I was diagnosed, I was relieved I wasn't crazy. That these things happening to me and things I was feeling were not all in my head. I would complain a lot about how I felt, and get a poor response from my ex, in how he was basically sick of hearing about it, and how I needed to "go to the fu*#ing doctor". So. Once I did. My doctor right away seemed to know what steps to take. And within no time, or so it felt, I had my results, my explanations, and a broken heart. To me. I knew the diagnosis wasn't a complete NO to kids. But it was shattering to find out it could be harder, or plain not in the cards for me.

After some time went on, I didn't realize it at the time, but my ex kind of started using this diagnosis to his benefit, in really leaning on not wanting kids. Spinning it like, it's ok, we don't have to have them, we can just be us, travel, have our dogs, etc. Then it really turned into him leading, "I'm glad we don't have kids". I literally was to the point myself where I told myself I didn't want them either. That I was fine without them. That I wasn't meant to have them. This was my mind set for 2-3 years.

End of 2016 into the start of 2017. My marriage fell apart. I will not get into the nitty gritty of it all, but, although I thought everything was crashing down, when everything was supposed to be just beginning (explanation note: we had been married 5 years, together 9, I was finishing my bachelor's degree, we had just bought our 2nd house, and I had my brand new job and career path lining up). The first half of 2017 we were separated. That summer I ended it permanently. I had already gone 9-10 months of him basically not knowing what he wanted, he had moved out, he broke off communication, etc. - My point in explaining all this, is - I assumed my body would just be wrecked from all the stress, all the heart break, all of the anger. But to the contrary it did just the opposite.

I had started losing weight (stress, lack of appetite, I started smoking more) yet, my body just moved forward. My cycle was coming every month, not like clock work, but every month it came! I could not believe it.

I fast realized I had lost myself, who I was, what I wanted, and how much I was willing to sacrifice for someone who in the end tossed me aside like a decade of life truly meant nothing. (Oh, and he was the complete cliche that ended up with my 'best' friend - obviously now ex best friend).

I had an opportunity to start my life. The life I had spent 10 years waiting to have with the man I thought was meant to spend it with.

Very quickly I entered in my next adventure in life, a guy I had known for years asked to take me out, get my mind off things, and just let me be me. I was nervous. He's 5 years younger than I am. I've known him since he was a pre-teen. I never would have expected that night would start the greatest chapter of my life.

We fell hard. We fell fast. He moved in. I got pregnant! Omg. I was pregnant! We had been together officially only 5 months when we found out - and I was already 7-8weeks along! I was in absolute shock. I was terrified, but I was estatic. He was instantly excited.

My pregnancy was amazing. I had very little to complain about. Everything was just happening on track. We had a lot of stress in the background, as life brings is for all sorts of various reasons. But our little man was on his way, and we were so ready to meet him!

40 weeks, 1 day. My water breaks. We go to the hospital. There is no heartbeat 😭.

We were just so devistated. This was to date the hardest loss either of us had to encounter.

We are still having our hard times. This Christmas was supposed to be our first Christmas with our son. It's not the holiday season we were waiting so long for. But we have grown immensely as a couple. We want to try again sooner than later.

What made me decide to post, and share. Was I decided to use this app to track my stuff. I wanted to learn more. I wanted to see if I had consistency of any sort. Plus this app reminds me, hey track your stuff.

Today it predicted I'd get my period. We were hoping I'd be pregnant, however, I delivered my son only 2+ months ago (hard to believe bc it feels so long ago some days, and feels like just yesterday others). I had my first cycle come before I came back to work, which I was really proud of my body for. Then today like clock work; a clockwork I've never experienced here it is.

I am hoping that my body has found it's path. My heart has found it's home. My vision in life is shared equally with someone whom I've never experienced such a connection with (even spending a decade with someone else). I can't help but just feel positive. My first pregnancy with my son taught me so much. That little man will always be my #1; my angel; my piece of heart that is missing. But I know he is meant to look down on his mom and dad, and his siblings. He was just too perfect for this imperfect world. I am bittersweet today because on one end, #2 isn't in there yet. However, it's still soon after my first delivery, and my body is more on track and in tune than it ever has been.

I wanted to share because we all have such similarities and such differences in our life and circumstances. But anytime a positive can be found, I hope to share, and hope to have someone had a piece of that they can relate to, or gain something positive themselves from ❤️.

If you made it to the end of my novel post, thank you for listening 😊