To my spouse :/

Please ignore any grammar issues at this time. This was a quick draft that I eventually plan on sending to my spouse!

I’m literally at my breaking point.

Dear husband,

When I married you.. I thought I was marrying the man of my dreams. Sure there were some arguments and disagreements but I was so certain we could work past it.. I wanted to try because I actually loved you and in my eyes I wanted you to be my everything. Out of the three years we have been married I never truly felt happy.. you would make me cry, we would hit each other, put each other down and overall I felt a great since of bitterness. I always have wanted to leave… but I stayed because though I knew I deserved better I didn’t want another failed marriage.. I wanted a family with you. I wanted to make this work! I wanted you!

As I write this with tears in my eyes.. you have hurt me so bad.. I’ve carried two of your babies with a great deal of sadness, lack of support, hurt and pain. I always thought my husband would be so happy that I’d be carrying his child that he put in my womb? Often by the way you act.. I wonder did we not make them out of love …. or was this the result of another night of rushed sex? I wanted you to talk about my babies.. even if it seemed dumb to you because I’m scared nervous and trying to remain positive. I often wonder what this new one is going to look like.. and though not planned I often talk to her, rub my belly, and take a thousand of pictures because she is mine… and with 53 more days left my babe will be in my arms. Why can’t you massage my belly, talk to her, come behind me at times and just touch my belly so I know that I feel that we are both loved? After all I barely have the strength to look as glamorous as I used too and don’t get me started on the swelling. But I know that it’s all apart of this pregnancy. Sometimes I get so hurt when I see other post about husbands who have done such a great deed to their pregnant wife.. and surprise them with little simple acts of kindness. Meanwhile, In the back of my head all I can think about is how I suck so bad at sex and that I need to stop getting fucking pregnant! Also, If you think pregnancy is easy.. you are literally insane. I have to take breaks constantly and catch my breath significantly… you even seen me CRY OUT in PAIN. I’ve given you such an adorable baby boy. Everyone tells me all the time how my boy is pretty.. I take soo much pride in him you have no idea! I hope that one day you’ll do the same.

Now as I lay here hurt… back at my parents home.. I wonder what life would have been like if we had not been married, all the opportunities I could have done or who I would be with right now? I have my two babies.. and I wouldn’t trade them for the world and it’s the best gift you have ever given me. However, I know my worth.. I DO NOW. I do not suck as as wife.. I am extremely faithful, I try to put others first, I’m kind hearted, and I care wayyy to damn much. It’s not fair that I’m always crying and being put down to the point of literally breaking. I know that there will be a man out there that will love me to death… I thought I found him in you but I guess I was wrong.

I’m coming home to deliver my baby… I don’t know what’s going to happen with our relationship…. but I have to focus on my mental health and being a good mom to these babies. If you continue to do this… to me I will have to let this go.

God wants me to be happy and I so deserve it… and so do my children!

Don’t tell me you love me…

Show me you love me…