Abusive relationship while pregnant

So I need some advice. Im not usually one to put my problems out there probably because I’ve been told “women are to be seen not heard” but I’ve gotten to the point I just can’t take it anymore.

My so and I have been together for four years. We have a two year old and our second baby on the way. We had a miscarriage a few months ago, and when I asked him about the idea of being pregnant again he wasn’t happy, more like angry. So.. he doesn’t know. And it’s not that I’m trying to keep secrets but I’m just scared. This relationship has been nothing but torture, sadness, and just a complete 360 of who I used to be. I know your thinking why don’t you leave? Why are you still with him? And I’m asking myself the same question EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have left a few times but somehow he always drags me back in. Probably because “our life” together seems convenient.. we have a house together, a daughter, we both work close to home. My house/family/friend is about an hour away.. so every time I move home it’s just the driving 2 hours everyday or not being in my home and many other things. Or more like excuses I guess.

I’m constantly being put down, told I’m pathetic, I’m not good enough and I’m just a failure. I could write an entire book on all of the things he has said to me, and all of the times he’s completely destroyed my self esteem. Months after we first got together, I realized he wasn’t the “perfect guy” that I thought he was. He has a sharp tongue, a attitude and personality that I think the devil would be shocked by. And he’s mean, to anyone and everyone. Strangers, his family, friends and me. I’ve NEVER on my life seem a temper like the one he has, and I’ve NEVER been spoken to like he speaks to me. He started getting physical. One time he dragged me by my hair through his apartment and into the “workout” area and chocked me out on top of the thing and dropped the weight bar (I think it’s called) on top of me, he’s smashed my head into my steering wheel when I was driving, threw me into a wall, and those insulated steel workout cups he dumped all over my head and repeatedly hit me in the face with it while I was driving. And he would do this stuff during my first pregnancy too.. I remember thinking don’t you feel remorse, why aren’t you begging me to forgive you, like don’t you realize all of this is wrong? But he never did. After awhile it stopped and started again and now it hasn’t happened in probably 4-5 months. He says things everyday to me though. And I’ve come to realize the bruises and broken bones heal but the mental and emotional abuse he has done to me will always be there. Do I deserve this? Do I deserve this torture and this pain?

He’s asking me everyday why I don’t look prettier, why don’t you dress up, or do your makeup different or do your hair a different way? And then when I do, or your not wearing that you wore those jeans in a picture that everyone saw and it reflects bad on me. You’re so stupid, your pathetic, a failure, no one loves you, the way I treat you is because I’m “trying to make you better”. Do you want to be normal your entire life? You don’t even try to get to my level, you hold me back, your dragging me down, you’ve ruined my life, your a bad mother, why are you raising her that way, you need to just go away for a few months and I’ll raise her “my way”. One time, someone gave him the wrong food at a restaurant and he went CRAZY and I mean CRAZY. Like totally embarassed me and himself. He told me it was because I was looking at the servers a certain way, I gave them attention so they made his food wrong. I mean seriously??

I’m completely miserable, I hate him with everything inside of me. If I stay I will go crazy. He makes me believe everything he’s done to me is because I caused it and I deserve it. He slowly isolated me from my friends and family, took me away from my town, and just completely changed me. I wonder how I could ever get back to the person I used to be. I don’t think it’s possible.

I’m ready to leave and stay gone or at least I want too. But like I said “our life” seems convenient. If I leave I will have to go home, I’m going to go to my dads (he’s been waiting he is thrilled for me to come home) because I don’t feel safe. I’m so scared to live on my own with just my daughter and I that I’m going to go live with my dad. Not to mention EVERY DOLLAR I make my s.o takes, he checks my hours and I have to show him my pay stubs so he knows exactly what I make and I can’t hide any. And all of my money is tied up in our house. I really really don’t want to start over, but I know I need to or I might not make it out alive. What do you think I should do? I mean the obvious, but anything would help.

Ps. I’m so sorry about the really long message.

UPDATE:: well I finally left, Saturday night. It wasn’t easy though, after he went on a rampage about a friend “guy” that he knew I have been friends with. My so. Found out I was pregnant (I hadn’t told him/didn’t plan on it until I was leaving) but he found my doctors slips that I thought I hid pretty well, and knew the rest. Saturday morning he woke me up screaming saying I was having a baby with someone else, I’m a whore, I needed to leave and pack my stuff. Not that it matters but we would have been together for four years in March and I have never cheated, never talked to anyone in that sort of way, or slept with anyone since before we were together. I have been nothing but faithful. I’m not sure what brought it on. But anyways I started to pack, a few hours went by I was taking my time because I have the flu and I’m pregnant so everything I did made me out of breath or I was getting sick. Well when I was about ready to leave he took my phone (wouldn’t give it back) and my keys. Saying I wasn’t leaving and pretty much held me hostage and wouldn’t let me leave with my daughter. Well things got physical and I had to put my daughter in the bath and he was watching her and threw my keys at me so I left for about 20 minutes I just needed to get out of there, before something worse happened. Well when I got back he dragged me into the door, gave me a bloody nose and dragged me through the house. I have a black eye, a broken nose and bruises around my neck and arms. I honestly thought I was going to die, but I didn’t even care I wanted to die. Except I didn’t. My daughter and my unborn baby need me, and the thought of them going to him was worse then I could ever imagine. Eventually after being stuck in my OWN house from 9am-10pm I finally got to leave. The next day my aunt and I went to the house (we had to have 2 cops) with us, well he still had my phone and tried acting like he didn’t have it. Well thank god for (find my iPhone app) because it showed the location. I got some of my stuff and my phone and went to my dads. Everything that happened to me, and I still feel bad. My heart is still breaking and I want to go back. I want to be in my own home, I want the things I had, I want my “freedom” in my own home. Except I wasn’t free and didn’t have any freedom. I know it’s going to be an extremely long road. Being a single momma too two kids, going through this pregnancy alone. I just feel so alone, so depressed and heart broken. But my daughter is happy and seeing the smile on her face makes me realize I’m doing what I need to do. Because I don’t EVER want my kids to see that, I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking that abuse is okay, and belittling and putting people down is okay, because it’s not.

I just want to thank EACH AND EVERY single person who has commented or just supported me, it means the world to me. ❣️