I had a midwife doing my prenatal visits and everything was set up. We had the birthing tub, the homebirth kit prepared, everything. On December 9 at 3am I woke up to some slight cramping and a gush of water. I wasn’t for sure if my water had broke, but I decided to wait until morning in case. So I tried my best to go back to sleep.

Woke up at 8am to more cramping and even more water gushing while cooking up some breakfast for the family. I didn’t want to alert anyone yet, but I texted my midwife to let her know I thought my waters had broken. Contractions were very manageable at this point. Throughout the morning and midday however they got more and more intense. I continued to put off having the midwife come over because I didn’t want it to be a false labor scenario.

Finally, the pain got to the point where I thought it was time. I had the midwife come over and they started doing their checks - baby’s heart rate, mine, blood pressure, etc. they still were not pressed and wanted to let things progress naturally. So I tried watching a funny movie with my husband back in our bedroom and deal with the contractions. They were pretty strong but still I didn’t want to psyche myself out because I knew they could get stronger. After an long while I started asking midwife for help. We tried different positions and whatnot. She checked me and after all day and afternoon I was at 6cm. A few hours went by and pain got even more intense. But after all my laboring at home, I made it to 9cm. And then we started going backwards. Suddenly, I was back down to 6cm! The midwife suspected the baby was in a bad position that was not allowing my cervix to dilate fully. We tried more positions to try and rotate her. Labored through the night. I hit my 24 hours of labor and when we checked again, still at 6cm.

I was exhausted. My midwife finally recommended that we get help from the hospital. Pain relief and some pitocin to get me to finish opening up. I couldn’t handle much more. We faxed my medical documents, packed a bag, and left for the hospital.

It took a few hours more of contractions and waiting for blood tests before I was administered the epidural and pitocin. Once that started kicking in I finally got a short nap in. Finally, finally, I was fully dilated and it was time to push!

However, 3 hours of pushing did nothing. She wasn’t moving past my pelvis. The only option left after many epidural-friendly pushing positions was cesarean. So, I accepted it. Another hour later my baby was born.

Obviously, I wanted to do things as natural as possible. I had a midwife and homebirth planned. I wanted to be pain-med free and experience everything. But still, plans change and life has its own way of turning out.

I don’t feel cheated though, because I do know that I tried. I tried very hard for a very long time. I exercised all options before finally having a cesarean birth. I’m a little sad that they put me to sleep, so I guess I feel pretty detached from the actual birth. I was knocked out and then woke up to a baby. But once I started breastfeeding and could wake up more from the haze of cesarean, I felt fine. Being able to breastfeed has helped me heal a lot from the experience and make me feel connected.

For any other fellow homebirthers out there, maybe your baby had different plans too. It’s okay Mom. We followed our beliefs and stuck to our convictions. That’s the important part. Feel thankful that we live in a modern society where help is around the corner if you end up needing it like me. I have feelings of gratitude above all else. I gave it my all, and I was able to be helped to the end.

I do want more children but now the hard part is wondering if I will try for a homebirth again. Part of me wonders what more we could have done. The other side of me says maybe homebirth just isn’t for me. Who knows.

But she’s here now, a week old as of today. Her health is amazing and she’s eating like a piggy. I’m healing very quickly and dropping my weight quickly too.