Boyfriends Porn Addiction

My boyfriend and I have been together for one year and nine months. I told him early on porn is a deal breaker for me. I caught him three times, the third time, he admitted he had a problem. He said it would stop but refused to get help. In the past few months he has stopped touching me and having sex with me. When I would push the issue, he would get soft during sex because it wasn’t porn.

Day after Christmas I saw his searches - something just made me look and I found it. He tried to deny it until I showed him. After, he told me it had been going on the whole time we have been together. I am crushed. He begged me to give him a second chance, he’s not an emotional person, and he cried into my lap. He said he can’t help it, he’s addicted, and he didn’t do it to hurt me. Since then, he has gotten a porn blocker on his phone and computer that I am in charge of. It sends me notifications if he looks up anything bad and it will block all porn sites including YouTube, Reddit, Instagram, and Twitter. He said he needs to be controlled (which I feel uncomfortable with), he said he needs help and he wants to fight through this together. But he doesn’t push me to stay, he has said I could leave because he knows he doesn’t deserve me.

If it is an addiction, I don’t want to leave him because he’s fighting something real. But finding that, hearing him say he likes watching that stuff, breaks me. I have never been so sad and hurt. I feel ugly, I feel lesser than, I feel like he’s attracted to other women but not me, I feel like I can’t satisfy him like the screen can. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel sick and heart broken. He has never asked me for pictures or videos. I have sent him some that he just replies “ok”. I’ll post below for you to see. I don’t feel attractive and I am hurting so badly.

Do I give this another chance? Do I leave? Thinking about leaving hurts so badly but it hurts worse thinking about what he has done. Why wasn’t I good enough for him? Why could those videos satisfy him but I couldn’t? Maybe i am worthless. If he’s really serious about changing, should I give it one more chance? Sometimes he said he just watched them for fun and just because he liked it. He didn’t even get off. Which for some reason hurt worse. I’m only 115 lbs. I guess I could tone up and maybe get a boob job so I look like them girls he looked up. I didnt think I was that unattractive, people asked me out all the time. I am hurting so deeply and don’t know what to do.