My past

A few months ago, I was married to my best friend. We were together for 3 years and we separated cause our marriage was falling apart. We agreed to get a divorce and that we could start seeing other people. We both did our own thing, unfortunately my husband passed away in a car crash. I was devastated even though I was with someone else the pain wouldn’t go away. So I resorted to alcohol. I cheated on my SO twice and I don’t remember. I didn’t sleep with nobody but I had been kissed twice(previously he had 2 lap dances by strippers which I do find disrespectful specially when I told him I didn’t like that) anyways long story short, i have a conscience so I ended up telling him after both events and I decided to quit drinking, after I did, I could finally mourn my first husband and my SO forgave me. We do not talk about the past events and we don’t bring them up in fights. I didn’t expected him to stay with me and he did and he didn’t expected me to stay with him but I did. I realized he loved and I don’t wanna be that person ever again. I learned my lesson and I wanna love him unconditionally but my past still haunts me. So for 2019 I’m letting all that shit go and start brand new with the help of God.