MIL/Baby Shower Problems

This will be a bit of a long one...

A little back story- I am expecting my first baby in May. It was planned and my husband and I are over the moon. It will be the first grand baby for both sets of parents. Obviously they are excited too. I’ve had a bit of a rocky relationship with my mother in law. She’s older, in her 70s. A bit selfish in her older age. And lately has been having a few minor health issues - which we though was the reason she had blown off many things we have invited her too recently (My first ultrasound, family picnic for a place my husband and I both work with FREE helicopter rides, and then Thanksgiving-That one really hurt me and I know it hurt my husband too. Each one she told us the day of that she “wasn’t feeling well” and then my father in law misses out too) But now I think the reason may be that my mom/family was at all these events too.

Another important thing is that my husband was set on keeping the gender a surprise until birth. I went along with it but I kept bugging him asking to find out because I wanted to do a fun gender reveal at the baby shower. For Christmas, he told me we could find out!! Yay!!!

Anyway, I went out with my mom and husband to look at a venue that I wanted to have my shower at. They were having an open house with booking discounts. I loved it and my mom put down a deposit. So that was planned. I did not know that my mom was expecting it to be one big baby shower with my husbands family too as I had not decided yet. We had also thrown around ideas with my mother in law - none of which either of us could agree on and no plans were made. After Christmas I immediately wanted to have one big baby shower with a gender reveal because it wouldn’t be a surprise at the second one and my mom also wanted my husbands family to be together because she likes them. I did not want to do a separate reveal party because I want gender neutral gifts for those generous enough to bring some to the shower. My mom of course is on board but after kindly asking my mother in law if she was OK with this, she was adamant that she wants to do a separate one and I have a feeling it’s because she doesn’t like my mom. I’m extremely upset because I really wanted both sides of the family together for one big party. My husband is trying to stay out of it but is also defending his mom by saying that we got her excited to do one herself. I feel that I have a little bit of a right to be selfish here and I don’t think I’m asking too much. I just don’t think my mother in law wants to be around my mom. Which is upsetting me and I’m really not sure what to do. I just really want everyone together to celebrate and be happy. I also don’t think i my mother in law doesn’t want to spend any money on this. (I know money isn’t everything and we have offered to pay if that was the issue) She is only suggesting venues she can get for free (they are gross places) and wants all her nieces to make all the food. They did not put any money into our wedding/bridal shower either. (They paid for half the DJ and my parents paid for everything else except the few things my husband and I paid for) I know is typical for the bride’s parents to pay most of the bill but my husband is an only child. But they just dumped $1,500 into a cat that was paralyzed and there is still more to do for it. It just makes me frustrated.

Am I being too selfish? Am I wrong?

Any thoughts? Thanks if you made it this far.