We lost this one 💔
When we started sharing our journey on Facebook at https://m.facebook.com/dogsandotherunsolicitedadvice/, we made a promise to share the good and the bad. So here is it. Last Sunday, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. Wednesday, we found out I miscarried.
We talked about which room we were going to decorate as a nursery for bebe H, which trees we were going to use to build a tree house, talked about flying out to surprise Jeffrey's mom, and even wrapped the positive test as a Christmas present for my Mom and Dad. Then yesterday I started bleeding, so went to the doctor today and heard the words, "The test came back negative." They took my blood for a beta test to determine if I passed everything on my own. Depending on the results, I'll have to go back Friday to make sure my levels are dropping.
And then it all feels silly, like how can something you never even had devestate you so much? Something you knew for only three days? And excuse my French, but fuck that. No one gets to tell me how I get to feel. There was an extreme high when we thought we were going to be blessed to bring a baby into this world and then in an instant, the extreme low when it feels like that blessing is forcibly ripped from you. Your hopes and your dreams dashed.
This is such a taboo topic that no one ever talks about. "Don't announce until you're 12 weeks, just in case you miscarry." I understand waiting a little while because of how common it can be, but my God, with how common it is - it sure isn't talked about. And even still, no one talks about it after the fact. Like this is real life. This happened and I'm sad. And even though I know it isn't the end of the world, it still hurts. Even though I know we can try again, it doesn't make it feel any better in the moment. I keep crying off an on. I feel out of control. One minute I'm like, "I'm okay, this is fine," then the next, I'm not.
I wasn't going to post about this but as I scrolled through Facebook today and saw all the beautiful baby announcements, I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. And I thought about all the other women feeling this same way. But, please keep sharing those announcements, even share them in the comments. I want to uplift you in your joy as a way to help me navigate my own pain. And I mean that. I need you guys to share with me all the amazing things happening in your life. I need your hope. I need something to hang on to. I keep telling myself the very same thing I tell anyone else going through a hard time - God didn't do this TO me. God is giving me an opportunity to use my pain and my heartbreak and my loss as a way to help someone else in the future struggling with the same thing. But why wait until the future? Why not help now, in the moment?
I want to question why but truly, it doesn't matter why. What matters is what I do next. So what I'm going to do is be honest with myself and with all of you. It hurts. It sucks. I feel unworthy. I feel lost. But that's okay. Because no matter what happens, without a shadow of a doubt, I know that I'm already okay. One thing I never have to lose is my faith. I will give myself the day, or days, or however long it takes, to feel, and to grieve, and then we're going to pick back up and try again. Thankfully, while Jeffrey is sad, he isn't discouraged. And I need that.
I don't even know what I'm asking for other than maybe just prayers for me, for my husband, and for all the other mothers and fathers to be out there that have or are experiencing this feeling of loss. And I hope that if you know this pain, this might give you the courage to open that box stored way in the back of your mind. That box that you never wanted to lay eyes on again. We know God has a plan for us, we just don't know what it is quite yet. And for those of you that think dogs can't comprehend human emotions, I implore you to reconsider. They know. And they are helping me heal. ❤️