Please help...

Background: I have a HX of anxiety and I know I’m a high strung person. I knew this would increase my risk of getting PPD. I haven’t been diagnosed but feel like I am past the point of baby blues (but only in the evening...) during the day I am good until like 7 pm. Once night hits I am overwhelmed, crying every night in the shower for no reason. I am a HUGE perfectionist and try and do “everything right” according to baby books and doctors. I am succeeding but it is consuming me to the point where I am not enjoying and bonding the way I should with my amazing 12 day old girl. Last night I yelled at my SO and wanted so badly to get into the car and drive away. It scared him and me. She’s a healthy and happy baby, going 3-3.5 hours between feeds at night. I guess I’m just worried I don’t feel that “overwhelming omg my life is complete and I’m obsessed with her” feeling. We wanted her and tried so long and I’m just mad at myself for feeling this way... I know I internalize things so I’m not really open to groups or counseling but I will mention it to my midwife. I do way better trying to practice skills on my own, this is how I was successful with my anxiety in the past. I am looking for skills or coping mechanisms or changed thinking that worked for you ladies.

I know we’re not alone in this and I just want to be the best mama for her and this isn’t it.