I don’t have any words to describe the pain that I’m feeling but I need to let it out some how. My boyfriend has cheated on me multiple times through out our relationship, and I’ve forgiven him almost every time. At first I blamed myself, I come with a lot of baggage and mentally I’m not all the way there. When I met him I was borderline suicidal, had bipolar depression and anxiety. But I was honest I knew I was a tough cookie and I wanted him to fully understand what he was getting into. I told him everything from the get go. He said that didn’t bother him that he can and will carry that baggage with me and that we’ll get through it together. He told me that he’s here for me and nothing could stop him from being with me. (First lie) He has cheated on me with coworkers and people from his past but because it was nothing physical I forgave him because I have a deep love for this man I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have never hurt him in any type of way because I know how it feels and I could never inflict that type of pain on someone else. Since day one I’ve been truthful and by his side, no matter what I had him. The days we didn’t have a car I was there walking and catching Uber’s with him, riding the bus with him, paying for his rides to and from work till I could buy a car for us. I was forever making sure he had something to eat every night that he had money in his pockets, that he had not just what he needed but what he wanted. When he wasn’t working I was busting my ass everyday working doubles to keep our apartment ( I only make 12$ and hour and I live in Boston) and never asked for nothing in return. Every fucking night I was never out was never at a club never gave him a reason to doubt me I was home cleaning cooking waiting for his ass on the daily straight after I got off work. Our whole relationship I’ve gone out maybe 5 times without him, in over a year. I even held his family down his mom and brothers just because they were his family. I was so grateful to have this man in my life I cared so much for him and I still do. I’ve been given up on all my life I never had anyone I’ve felt that pain that’s why I was so compelled to do right by him even though he was stepping out on me, my faith never changed. Two wrongs don’t make a right and I wanted to give him a chance to change. But everyone has a breaking point I recently I found out he might of gotten another one of our old coworkers (we used to work at the same job) pregnant. Big on the might. I got a call on Christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">eve</a> that from her telling me that she was pregnant and it was his. Me being me I starting coming for her. I was so down for my man even through what we had been through it had been months since he had cheated and I had been able built my trust back in him and he was never physically involved with anyone he cheated on me with so initially I didn’t believe her. (She’s known for lying and being messy and had tried to break us up in the past) He tried to basically ride on this and lie but he eventually broke down in front of me (guilt I guess) and the truth came out. They don’t know if it’s his because like I said she’s messy af and he claims he had on protection, I mean I don’t know if I believe it either cause me and him have been struggling with fertility issues (he shoots blanks and we’ve been trying to up his sperm and I’ve miscarried 3 times since we’ve been together) and with her history it could go either way. But regardless this shit killed me. It broke me even though there’s a chance it may not be his he can’t change what he did. I hate that it took me so goddamn long to wake up to open my eyes and see what he was doing. A man that loves you would never step out on you in any way shape or form and if he does he doesn’t love or respect you. The hardest thing for me was coming to terms with that because Its so hard for me to give up on someone I put so much time and hard work into, someone I saw spending the rest of my life with, someone I actually trusted, that I feel like was there for me and got me even though it wasn’t all the time it was still enough because I’ve always been alone. I’ve spent a lifetime fending for myself and being on my own, I never really needed anyone but a part of me still wished that I had someone just one person that loved me forreal. So when I met him I felt like god was answering my prayers. Right now I feel like everything was a lie and what hurts me the most was that I was living in that lie for so long. He lied to my face for months, came home to me right after and still kissed my face. Continued to have sex with me with no remorse for what he did. He put her in a spot that only I should hold, He played my mind right with my heart and Part of me hates myself for it for tolerating all the lies and the bullshit and no seeing the signs, for continuing to be a good woman to a man that was showing me inconsistencies. He cheated on me with this bitch back and August and I just now found out. I’m confused because he truly was acting like he loved me but when I wasn’t around I guess shit changed. We had some hardships in our relationship but I’ve never cheated always always fought for him and for us so there’s no excuse. Even though I was deteriorating mentally from all this even though I was dealing with everything I was dealing with mentally I was able to stay true to him and get better. I didn’t let the stress stop me from taking care of myself. I’m hurt I’m so fucking hurt, feel this pain from the bottom of my heart to the top of my soul. But determination is what always got me through and at the end of the day I’m a strong beautiful woman and I know it and this is just a bump in the road. It hurts it really does I want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry till I can’t see but I’ve been through hell and back and I’m still standing and I refuse to be knocked down. This shit will not overcome me I won’t let it. To all my beautiful women going through it stay strong and keep your head up no matter what it is your dealing with. Remember who you are and remember what your capable of. There’s a rainbow at the end of that storm. Have faith . We are all strong. We got this. Thank you for anyone that took the time to read this. It’s truly appreciated thank you

UPDATE: Thank you for all the kind comments and support it’s all very much appreciated